tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71579363221254219462024-02-07T01:17:15.152-05:00Honest and GentlePracticing empathy and communicating compassion.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-18750415880527778652015-01-08T10:16:00.003-05:002015-01-08T10:19:11.193-05:00Holding Faith<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Recently, I encountered a new idea (new to me, at least) twice in the same week. When that happens, I take notice and this occurred during the week of Christmas, so the idea found me in an especially contemplative state.<br />
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The first time I heard it was from the pastor at <a href="http://www.greenfieldpresbyterian.org/">Greenfield Presbyterian</a>, during one of the most child-friendly services I have ever encountered (dinosaurs and Spiderman were part of the nativity scene. True story.). We had joined our close friends and their church community for a holiday potluck and then ended up staying around for the service, since I can never say no to singing Christmas carols and lighting candles.<br />
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The second time I heard it was sometime between 4 and 6 AM, two days after Christmas, as I drove the first leg of our family trip to Greensboro. While Jason and the girls slept, I drank hot tea and listened to <a href="http://www.onbeing.org/">On Being</a> to stay alert. It was an episode with <a href="http://www.onbeing.org/program/nadia-bolz-weber-seeing-the-underside-and-seeing-god-tattoos-tradition-and-grace/5896">Nadia Bolz-Weber</a>, the pastor and founder of the House for All Sinners and Saints in Denver, and I highly recommend giving it a listen.<br />
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So, the idea references the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apostles%27_Creed">Apostles' Creed</a>, a statement of the Christian church's beliefs recited during religious services, and it goes something like this (not a direct quote, just my best recollection):<br />
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"If we're being truly honest, no one believes every word of the creed. However, if every one of us believes part of it, then together we can hold the faith in its entirety. This is why we need a community of faith."<br />
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This struck me on several levels, and for each it brought a profound sense of relief.<br />
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As the 2014 holiday season unfolded, I found myself in a funk, and I know I wasn't alone in that. My particular funk was a combination of loss, painful relationships, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness in reaction to recent episodes of racism, reactive fear, and injustice in our country, mixed with general holiday stress, of course. When New Year's Day arrived, it felt less like a rejuvenating reset and more like an re-engagement with continuing struggles. Can you relate?<br />
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Feeling this way, I spent a good part of the holidays cocooned with my immediate family - just Jason, Cadence, Laurel, and me. I felt like I needed a break from the world, so I checked out of media for a while and we declined most social invitations. I made sure that any commitments on our family calendar involved only people and activities that brought us comfort, support, and joy. For myself, I made sure to spend quality time with a few of the people in my life with whom I always have healing conversations. <br />
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So, here's the thing: Yes, there was (is) a lot of pain, loss, helplessness, and reasons to assume the fetal position and hide. But, as I reflect on the past few weeks, I can see more clearly the faith community that surrounds me. The people who help me remember: We can do better. The path of honesty and gentleness is always worthwhile. There is always hope and a chance for grace. There is always another way. In the end, love wins.<br />
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When I'm feeling hopeless and losing faith in my personal creed, I know there is someone in my circle who believes at least some of it and, all together, we hold this faith in its entirety. It is such a relief that I don't have to carry it all on my own and, with that burden released, I can continue moving forward.<br />
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My 2015 wish for you is that you are able to recognize and nurture the faith community surrounding you and supporting your personal creed. I am so grateful for your presence here and the opportunity to play a small part in that community.<br />
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Holding the faith, honestly and gently,<br />
Mary<br />
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/calamity_photography/4726912910/in/photolist-8cGEws-6KwSVQ-4eunzG-nLMaQo-agME9p-8Yiiy9-5URQ1V-aEWSPf-7FWeU-5EW9MF-9i4vFj-g1k43v-7k3k2W-63ptFi-2MCUF-82siuJ-5HTiAK-7FWeV-8Q93xH-e562To-4WZ76h-dqNt1r-CD5cP-fq9Gcs-71SSnR-gDqaDH-7xzwkZ-87AfYy-iiHmN-4xhUb6-87x4rg-8omZqm-cvQ4kS-8u457R-e4Zny6-PS1U-8Um8wF-4NP5p2-dF3ya-9GvMDS-9GvURw-dStpYU-5vyyEn-4xsbMm-5GGcFe-g8Rvp5-8vGyMq-7xDmf3-dfwwLS-4VTUxA">Light of the World</a> by <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/calamity_photography/">Courtney Carmody</a>, <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">cc license</a><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-25570121464192783502014-11-26T01:27:00.000-05:002015-01-08T10:21:58.123-05:00Giving Thanks & Giving the Benefit of the Doubt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Thanksgiving is upon us! I love this holiday: the food, the parade, the relaxation, the food...oh, the food...<br />
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But as any holiday that involves getting together with extended family or other people you don't see regularly, Thanksgiving has it's challenges. Communication is difficult enough with the people we see everyday, but add even a thin layer of unfamiliarity, or the kind of stress associated with producing a small feast, and the possibility of unintended slights, misunderstandings, and general weirdness increases exponentially. We simply lack the ability to get into another person's head to the extent that we can say for certain what the intent was behind another's words or actions.<br />
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I was thinking about this a lot a few weeks ago, on the long drive home from my Grammy's funeral. It was so wonderful being with family at that time of grief and processing. I got to see relatives I hadn't seen in years and it felt like no time had passed. I met relatives who I had only heard about from my parents' stories of childhood. I met people who knew my Grammy in different capacities, who adored her, and who were generous with their stories. It was wonderful.<br />
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It was also totally weird and downright tense, at times. Sure, there was reuniting and loving going on, but there was also a lot of grieving. A lot of processing. A lot of, "Did you really just say that?" "Don't use that tone with me!" "What did you mean by that, exactly?" There were plenty of opportunities to feel annoyed, disrespected, and plain old angry. However, every time I felt my hackles rise, I took a deep breath and told myself, "Assume best intentions. Assume best intentions." I've been working on this. Practicing, practicing.<br />
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I adapted that mantra from a parenting book: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. The full phrase, in the parenting context, is: "Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts. (p. 120)" I first read this before having my own children and my reaction was, "Well, of course!" I've found the reality of practicing that principal to be somewhat more challenging. When Cadence shoves her little sister in reaction to me stating that TV time is over, it's hard to not think that she's being a total jerk. When she pushes over a pile of laundry I've spent the whole morning trying to fold, and then laughs and laughs, it's hard to not think that she's plain mean and trying to make my life hell. Really, though, she's just a four-year old acting like a four-year old: exerting control where she can when she feels out of control, acting out when she's discouraged, and experimenting with different (albeit annoying) ways to connect. When I can disengage from my initial reaction and give her the benefit of the doubt (and, likely, be more accurate with the assigned intent), I'm able to stay calm and respond more effectively.<br />
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At least, I'm working on it.<br />
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I've found the idea of attributing best motives or intentions, given the facts, as a useful tool when interacting with adults, as well. And, bonus, this gives me lots of good practice for the much more challenging arena at home with the kids. Before reading Unconditional Parenting, I had a more limited tool set for interpreting interactions. Either I perceived solely through my own lens, or else I engaged my crisis hotline training and the idea of unconditional positive regard. The latter, which involves empathizing with someone and accepting him/her without judgment, made sense on the hotline, interacting with callers with whom I had no history or context for their other relationships and where it didn't make sense to take anything personally. It was much more difficult to practice in my personal life, where boundaries are less defined and it just feels more personal. I really responded to the idea of this middle ground of evaluating different possibilities, based on the objective evidence.<br />
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As with any new tool, it takes a good bit of practice. The first step is to simply notice when you're reacting with anger or feeling offended with regards to what someone has said or done. Take a few breaths and take a few moments to brainstorm some different possibilities of where the words/actions are coming from (even better - talk it over with someone you trust who was present at the time. I greatly appreciate when I can check my impressions against someone else's - it's an eye-opening exercise). Attribute the best possible intention, consistent with the evidence, and move forward with that new understanding.<br />
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I wish you a peaceful and reflective Thanksgiving, full of rejuvenating connections, and, of course, lots of pie.<br />
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddebold/6119005317/in/photolist-ajHv6F-4tfMPm-ayF1p1-ayF1Cq-nfCicj-9ia3jL-nA67Ce-bJV69T-7VzZU-bU8mQp-8QQkpc-o5o8v-bG5a1T-ayF1tC-6k8a6w-bKxv1H-5HAUj-4h85ik-gTPJs-nEVvBA-FLwXP-nej7Un-ecMVuF-oJhpfd-9hkfcH-9hkfdM-9hkfgn-82fZ4j-4HGJpV-aAMSoP-2kTqdR-ayCkta-dP9yf2-ddQDgM-9hontq-i4Aeqb-oSMcrb-ecMW1v-9K7x6C-86E62J-dKHwv6-9T9fTN-ayF1kN-9honvW-d3E1m9-9hkfoi-7PhsNo-9shb9c-fbbfxy-er2aQA/">Turkeys on the Fence in Santa Teresa County Park</a> by <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddebold/">Don DeBold</a>, <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc license</a><br />
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I referenced a book that has been incredibly influential in my/Jason's/our approach to parenting. Jason actually bought it shortly after we decided to move in together, which was also about a month after close friends of ours had their first baby. I thought Jason's purchase was a way of communicating to me that he was ready to get married and have children right away...and that's an amusing story for another time. :) For now, here's the full citation for the book:<br />
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Kohn, Alfie (2005). Unconditional Parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. New York, NY: Atria Books.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-67573317002881624892014-05-28T22:21:00.001-04:002014-05-28T22:23:32.551-04:00Birthday Reflection: It's time to shed "I Can't"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I turned 35 a couple of weeks ago. Gulp. It kind of feels like a big deal. Not 30 or 40 big, but still a milestone. I can remember when my mom turned 35, and that seems significant. On my birthday, I felt like I had aged. Sure, the tiredness was more likely due to the fact that we have an infant in the house or that we were all recovering from the virus from hell (and subsequently nursing the visiting company we passed it on to, sigh.), but still. I did not feel like partying.<br />
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And that works for me. Birthdays are more a time of reflection; a time when I can take stock of where I've come from, where I'm going, and - most importantly - what I've outgrown. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn (and I'm still working on it!) but I'm appreciating, more and more, the importance of letting go of those things that bog me down and keep me from growing.<br />
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When I turned 30, I tried to do so gracefully, but I was still plagued by goals I hadn't completed that I was sure would have been accomplished by my 30th birthday. I constantly felt like I was playing catch up. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.<br />
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I made a decision at that point to let some things go. I had to let go of old deadlines and, instead, just keep marching forward. I had to let go of the goals that belonged to someone else and determine which goals were really mine (and then make space for them.) I need to start getting out of my comfort zone and make things happen instead of waiting around for the perfect circumstances or opportunities.<br />
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Once again, I'm taking stock of where I am and, even with the tiredness, 35 is feeling much more graceful than 30. I'm not exactly where I thought I would be. This place is better. There are some big changes on the horizon - big enough that I have no idea where I'll be a year from now. Amazingly, I'm still sleeping at night (other than waking to snuggle with a certain 7-month old, of course) and, 99% of the time, I have complete faith that everything will work out and things will just keep getting better. <br />
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So, what is it time to shed? Well, with the big faith-walks ahead, I think it's time to shed the fear that masquerades as the words, "I can't."<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was made by someone who "Can't Bake."</td></tr>
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In the not-so-distant past, I regularly uttered the words, "I can't bake." Followed by all the reasons (excuses) I was doomed to failure any time a recipe included measuring, timing, and/or yeast. The truth, now, is that baking brings me tons of joy. I love working through a challenging recipe several times to get it just right. Even more, I love working through simple recipes with my daughter and seeing the satisfaction she gets out of it - the joy grows exponentially.<br />
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I didn't become a competent baker overnight and there were some major failures. For example, my first attempt at <a href="http://www.marthastewart.com/312994/chocolate-babka">Chocolate Babka </a>resulted in three tooth-breaking, heart-breaking bricks. I brought them to my parents' house for Easter, eager and proud to share them with extended family. Sigh. After the teasing subsided, my aunt gave me some pointers and I resolved to try again the following year. The Chocolate Babka has become an Easter tradition.<br />
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Also in recent history, I claimed that I couldn't keep plants alive; that I was surely not a gardener. However, I just used the last of the tomato puree in our freezer, made from last year's surplus of tomatoes from our garden. And this weekend, we enjoyed the first salad of many which will come from our 'greens patch.'<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Keeping us in salads, all Summer long...</td></tr>
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There are other 'can't' beliefs I have held (some of which I still hold): I can't do a handstand or a backbend. I can't finish the projects I start. I can't run. I can't lead. I can't break a bad habit. I can't stick with a good habit. I can't make it through another Summer without central air conditioning. I can't let anyone know when I've failed or when I'm in over my head. I can't maintain a clean house. You get the picture...<br />
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It's so easy to become defined by the things you believe you can't do. And it can be incredibly comfortable to hold some of those beliefs. If you know you can't do something, you stop trying and you don't have to deal with failing. But then you also miss out on the surprising successes and unanticipated joy of achieving what seemed like an impossible dream.<br />
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So, it is time to be mindful of the times I say that I can't do something and recognize that, actually, with practice, patience, and the willingness to fail, I absolutely can.<br />
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Okay. Now I feel like partying. Or at least eating another cake. :)<br />
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Image credit: By Joey Gannon from Pittsburgh, PA (Candles) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia CommonsAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-87074254797444389062014-05-06T22:02:00.001-04:002014-05-06T22:03:42.910-04:00Making Self-Care Happen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Two weeks ago, Jason traveled for work, leaving me with both girls for more than 24-hours for the first time since Laurel's birth. My mom came up from Virginia to help out, and Jason was away for only two and a half days, but I feel like I'm just now recovering. Laurel is going through a phase where she wants to be held, specifically by me, pretty much 24-7. It makes it hard for Cadence, who would also like a good bit of attention and who continues to try new and interesting ways to have those needs met. I'm definitely feeling the mommy-drain.<br />
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The weekend after Jason's travel, I spent half a day with some girlfriends at Phipps Conservatory - one of my favorite places in Pittsburgh. I led them through some self-reflective activities and we all spent time soaking up the beauty of our surroundings, basking in the peacefulness of a morning away from our everyday roles as wives and mothers, and gifting each other with our presence and support. After a couple of days of being back into rhythm of life, I appreciated a marked difference in my capacity for patience and my ability to be present and available to my family.<br />
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And a few (rough) days after that, the capacity was greatly diminished. I had filled my tank over the weekend, but then went about using it all up without putting anything back in. This, of course, resulted in A Bad Day: yelling, downward spiral, the works. I know that making time for self-care is important, but sometimes it takes these drastic reminders for me to remember just how important it is to not only make time for self-care but to make time for <i><b>significant</b></i> self-care, <i><b>regularly</b></i>.<br />
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I have recently been getting back to my yoga practice and have been revisiting one of my favorite yoga books: Yoga Body, Buddha Mind by Cyndi Lee. In a chapter titled "How to Relax," she makes a suggestion for how often to incorporate restorative yoga into one's practice: twenty minutes of each daily practice, an entire practice once a week, and a week of practice every year. I wonder how that might work as a prescription for self-care?<br />
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So I'm challenging myself (and anyone else who recognizes the need for more consistent self-care) to consider the following:<br />
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1) What can I do for 20 minutes every day that will help me meet my needs for self-care? (And when will those 20 unfettered minutes occur?) <br />
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2) What can I do for 1-2 hours once a week that will help me meet my needs for self-care? (And when will those 1-2 hours of unfettered time occur?)<br />
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3) What kind of self-care retreat would fit into my life over the next year? (And do I need to be alone? with family? learning something? totally unstructured?)<br />
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Image Credit: Love yourself by <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/quinndombrowski/">Quinn Dombrowski</a>, <a href="https://www.blogger.com/"><span id="goog_1281854234"></span>cc license<span id="goog_1281854235"></span></a><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-9078190158584044472014-04-15T08:09:00.004-04:002014-09-22T10:44:21.857-04:00Maintain Emotional Boundaries with this Gift<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This, right here, is my 50th Honest and Gentle post. I'm feeling pretty excited about that. :) To celebrate, I'd like to offer you a gift, a small token of my appreciation for the time that you take to read these posts; something that I feel is particularly useful for folks who care about feelings and empathy (folks like you!). Here's the back story:<br />
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A few years ago, I developed a workshop for an organization who's employees were experiencing low morale. Their jobs involved supporting others through difficult times in life and, to put it mildly, it was emotionally draining. They were sometimes treated disrespectfully by the people they were serving. They were told how useless they were, when many of them felt this work was their calling. Even when they weren't taking on direct criticism, they felt bogged down by the emotional struggles of the folks they were serving and they were frustrated by the limitations of what they could do to help.<br />
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I think these struggles are fairly universal, especially for those of us who identify as natural helpers and those of us who practice empathy, opening ourselves to the perspectives and feelings of others. They require a shift from problem-focused solutions (something that natural helpers excel at) to more emotion-focused coping, or accepting the things that we cannot change (not so easy). Maintaining healthy boundaries to protect our own emotional health is the key to these struggles, but it's the kind of maintenance that requires ongoing work and diligence (much like staying on top of laundry when you have an infant who goes through at least three outfits a day). I think about this maintenance as falling into three categories:<br />
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<b>1. Self-Care</b> </h3>
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My working definition of self-care is doing those things necessary to keeping yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy (more on that definition in <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2012/10/self-care-101.html">Self-Care 101</a>). Once you know what those things are, the important thing to do is to commit to them. Make time for your self-care, putting it on your calendar. Keep it on your radar by keeping a reminder of this commitment in a prominent place that you'll see every day. Get the support you need to meet your self-care commitments - make space for self-care in your budget and talk to your family and close friends about what they can do to support you.<br />
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2. Regular Reality Checks</h3>
Sometimes the voices of others become so loud that they distort the way we see ourselves. We begin to buy into the negative messages or the belief that we are responsible for things outside of our control. Having something - or even better, someone - that reminds you of your value, of your true self, regularly, helps to keep you in touch with reality. <br />
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3. "It's not about you." - Maintaining Boundaries</h3>
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Your feelings are your own and other people's feelings and opinions belong to them. These are clear facts, but they get muddled when you are in the process of helping someone, having an emotional conversation, or engaging in conflict. Keeping emotional boundaries in tact requires frequent reminders of their existence. And, here, finally, is where my gift to you comes in. When I first presented this material, I was inspired to create a guided visualization to help the workshop participants remember and maintain their emotional boundaries. I can remember how the participants looked when the visualization was over and we all opened our eyes: relaxed and happy. My workshop reviews consistently mentioned the visualization as one of the most useful pieces of the workshop and something that would be useful going forward.<br />
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I want to pass this gift on to you, now. <a href="https://www.dropbox.com/s/usjssgvkd5kbwht/Maintaining%20Emotional%20Boundaries%20-%20Guided%20Visualization.wav?dl=0">Simply click here to go right to the visualization audio</a> - enjoy! (And let me know how it works for you!)<br />
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I've shared this before, but it's worth repeating that my pregnancies have been emotional roller coasters, fraught with emotional outbursts. They were rough experiences for me as well as those around me, and especially those closest to me. So, especially difficult on my partner, Jason. During one outburst last year, when he was trying to be helpful, I actually yelled at him, "You're not being helpful at all!"<br />
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When he asked what he could do to be helpful, it just frustrated me further. I was so upset that I couldn't think straight and I certainly couldn't feed him the right lines. I eventually calmed down enough to express that thought and to tell him that he was going to have to be resourceful and figure it out on his own. I encouraged him to talk to his friends or google some resources.<br />
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Later, I wondered if that was the best idea and I did some googling, myself, to see what he might find. In my opinion, some of the advice was pretty bad (steer clear, put your head down, keep your mouth shut, and just do as told, etc.). There was also some good advice, but it focused more on prevention (keep her fed, do more chores, rub her feet, etc.) and what not to do (don't try to fix it, don't make her feel worse). What was missing was what to do or say in that moment when you see your partner totally melting down or flying into a rage and you feel like a deer in headlights.<br />
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This is what I wish I had been able to articulate and convey to Jason in those moments:<br />
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<b><i>I feel crazy, and it's really scary.</i> </b></h3>
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The intensity of emotion I felt during pregnancy was nothing I had experienced before (though, it's hard to accurately recall toddler hood and adolescence). A part of me could recognize that my reactions were out of proportion, but it felt as if I had no control. Once my emotions had escalated to a certain point, it took a long time to get back to baseline - and the trip back usually included an unpleasant visit through guilt and remorse-ville. I barely recognized myself and I wondered how I could possibly succeed at being a mom (or being a mom to two kiddos). I felt like a horrible person, a bad mother and wife, and an unloveable being. <b> </b><br />
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<b><i>I need to feel safe and loved. </i></b></h3>
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With all of that negative talk going on in my head, what I needed more than anything was to know that it wasn't true. When Jason would keep quiet or just "give me space" in response to my outbursts, it made me feel like he was agreeing with the voices and that I shouldn't be around other people (that was not his intention, of course!) What I actually needed was the opposite: a demonstration that even when I was at my worst and felt worthless, that I was loved unconditionally. For me, that meant physical closeness, a hug, reassurance that everything was going to be okay.<br />
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<b><i>I need to feel understood. </i></b></h3>
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While I knew that my feelings were out of proportion, they were still real and based in some truth. I needed to have those feelings acknowledged - otherwise, the hugs and reassurance may feel less loving and more patronizing. </div>
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Clearly, I can't go back and tell Jason how he could have been more helpful in those moments - so I offer this wisdom to anyone who is currently, or will sometime in the future be, supporting a loved one through the emotional trials of pregnancy: </div>
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Remember that in addition to the anger/sadness/frustration she is currently feeling, she is probably also feeling scared and unlovable. Remind her that she is loved and show her that she is loved. Provide a safe place where she can feel supported in expressing whatever she is feeling. Listen and demonstrate your understanding by <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">reflecting her feelings</a>. Repeat as needed. </div>
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Image credit: Mouth (2) by <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/alishav/">Alisha Vargas</a>, <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc license</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-61440296784274800732014-03-31T20:43:00.002-04:002014-04-15T15:16:35.318-04:00Saved by the Poop<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The other day I was talking to my mom on the phone and our conversation became heated. We were arguing over the message of a particular news story and, suffice to say, we had two completely different perspectives. It may be helpful to explain that, while my mom and I have a LOT in common, political views are not one of the commonalities.<br />
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I was becoming so frustrated that I was close to saying something that would just be hurtful or to hanging up the phone. Exactly one moment before it came to that, Laurel had a big, loud poop. I was sure that it was a blow-out, and I was saved!<br />
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I was downright gleeful as I tried to get my mom's attention:<br />
"Mom! Mom! I have to go! Mom!"<br />
(Clearly, she was equally frustrated and using the just-keep-talking-until-she-hears-sense approach.)<br />
"Mom! Mom! Stop talking! I have to go! Massive poop! I'll call you back!"<br />
I ended the call and took Laurel upstairs for a change.<br />
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I was grateful for the break from the phone call. As I went through the motions of the diaper change, I could feel my heart rate slowing and I could begin to organize my thoughts.<br />
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I'm a big fan of taking a break when conversations become contentious. At that point, I'm not thinking straight and later I'll feel that I said something I shouldn't have said or else forgot to say something important. When the relationship becomes adversarial, I'd rather the conversation just stop for a bit.<br />
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During that time of cooling off, it's helpful to consider a few things so that when/if you do re-engage with the conversation, you give it the best chance of being productive.<br />
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<b>First: (Why) Is this conversation important? </b><br />
Honestly, sometimes it's not important and sometimes it is worth just dropping it for the sake of the relationship. Other times, something important is at stake, or it is important for you to feel understood In the above case, with my mom, it felt important to me that we were at least able to understand each other, even if we still wouldn't agree with the other's perspective. Furthermore, I value my relationship with my mom - it's important to me, so I am willing to engage in more challenging conversations with her.<br />
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When considering why or if a conversation is important, keep in mind the value of the relationship or a shared goal and use that to re-engage in a positive way.<br />
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<b>Second: What's going wrong?</b><br />
Typically, it will be the case that you're not understanding each other. Perhaps you're both trying too hard to deliver your own thoughts without really listening to and acknowledging the other? Perhaps the conversation was not taking place at an ideal time or location? Or perhaps it's a conversation that should be taking place in person rather than over the phone or via email?<br />
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<b>Third: What needs to happen? </b><br />
Once you have a sense of what's going wrong, you can figure out what needs to happen and figure out a strategy to get there.<br />
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In my case, I was able to realize that my mom and I would do much better if we were talking face-to-face, with cups of tea in hand, of course. I needed to fully hear out her perspectives and demonstrate that I understood her point of view before sharing my own point of view. And in this particular case, we both needed to review the story we were discussing, because we were both unclear on many details.<br />
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Armed with this insight, and cooled off from our intensifying debate, I was able to call mom back and suggest we post-pone the discussion for our next visit. I'll let you know how it goes...:)<br />
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Image credit: diaper change by <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/brooklyn_skinny/">Kevin Phillips</a>, <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc license</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-48944170624819515262014-03-24T20:00:00.000-04:002014-04-15T18:51:15.606-04:00He Said, She Said, and Google Glass Recorded<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When Jason and I argue, we tend to get caught up in disagreement over the "facts" of our conflict. We remember the order of events differently or we don't remember something we supposedly promised. I feel infuriated when Jason denies saying or doing something that I can remember with perfect clarity and I am equally infuriated when I'm accused of something I can't remember doing or saying. And I don't even notice how hilariously hypocritical that is when I'm in the moment!<br />
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When we come to the frustrating point where it's clear that we just have to agree to disagree about what actually happened, Jason often voices his desire for a device that would record every moment of life so that we could simply replay the moments in question to see who was right (Me, of course, right!?). So, now there's Google Glass, which means this device of Jason's dreams may not be that far off in the future. And I wonder, if we could have that kind of instant replay, what would it do? Would it immediately clear up these disagreements?<br />
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My guess? Probably not. Our brains are not recording devices. Even when we are exposed to the exact same sensory input, we <i>see</i> different things based on our attention to different details and then the information is further processed through past experiences, personal information, and emotional states. Agreeing on the past, on 'what happened,' is incredibly difficult, if not impossible. So, should we just drop it and move forward?<br />
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That doesn't work particularly well. It's the past events that have led to the current moment, the current conflict and the way we feel. Additionally, those past events will continue to play a part in the way we view our relationship and how we interpret future events.<br />
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We can't agree on the past and we can't ignore it, so what can we do?<br />
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<li><u style="font-weight: bold;">Give the benefit of the doubt.</u> Somewhere in between your story and the other person's story is the truth. Start at a level of detail where you can both agree. For example, you may not agree about what was said during an argument or who started it, but you can agree that an argument occurred. You can think about what an outside observer, like a fly on the wall, without any prior knowledge or stake in your conflict would have seen. </li>
<li><u><b>Acknowledge the impact.</b></u> You don't have to agree on the circumstances to acknowledge that someone feels hurt or angry or frustrated. You can acknowledge the impact that events had even if you don't remember them the same way. For example, you can reflect that someone feels let down, even if you don't remember promising to pick up dinner. And you can reflect that someone feels frustrated and ignored even if you're sure that they didn't tell you about plans to go out on Friday. </li>
<li><b><u>Move forward.</u></b> Once feelings have been acknowledged, you can move forward and talk about ways to avoid hurting each other in the future. Acknowledge that the relationship is important to you, that you care about the other person, and that you want to move towards making things better. </li>
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This framework will help you honor the past without fixating on the details or getting caught up in the blame game. It's the relationship that's important (at least, that's what I'm assuming if you're spending the energy to argue) - so remembering that you care about each other and demonstrating that care by <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">reflecting feelings</a> and <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2014/02/how-to-apologize-with-empathy.html">apologizing</a> when necessary will enable you to move forward in a positive direction. </div>
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Image Credit: By <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/azugaldia/7457645618">Antonio Zugaldia</a> [<a href="http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html">GFDL</a> or <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0">CC-BY-3.0</a>], via Wikimedia CommonsAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-54243014098775013812014-03-17T23:01:00.000-04:002014-04-15T18:54:11.268-04:00Cry It Out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I learned a lot about coping with emotional stress during my last pregnancy. I can't say that it was the most stressful period of life I had experienced, but it was up there with the rest of them. And it was certainly the most stressful period when I also had to mother a toddler. I think I was more concerned, during this period than in the past, with working on coping so that I could remain present and protect my sweet daughter from my inner crazies. In any case, I often found myself working through all of my coping tools and eagerly seeking the counsel of anyone who would add to my tool box.<br />
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One strategy, in particular, helped a lot to keep me on an even keel, most days. You can call it something fancy like prophylactic crying or induced catharsis, but really, I just made myself cry once every few days. Okay. Now that I've actually typed that, it reads a bit nutty. Stick with me, for a minute.<br />
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Cathartic crying has long been believed to be an essential piece of well-being, to the extent that some believe bottled-up emotions due to a lack of crying can actually lead to disease. The research on the therapeutic use of crying has produced mixed results. Retrospective, self-report studies often support the idea that crying brings relief and rejuvenation. On the other hand, controlled experiments involving emotional crying often led participants to feel more negative emotions. Many studies have also linked more frequent crying to positive health outcomes (note: just correlation, not causation).<br />
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I first came across the idea of therapeutic crying many years ago after a rough break-up. A good friend gave me the book, "How to Heal a Broken Heart In 30 Days" by Howard Bronson and Mike Riley (highly recommend it!). On Day 2 I was encouraged to "cry till I was dry." I was eager to be a good student, so I promptly popped the saddest song of the moment into the cd player (Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye) and got to crying. I repeated this odd behavior every morning for the next week or so. This is what I noticed: Before "crying it out," I often became weepy at inopportune moments at work and had a difficult time controlling my emotional responses to daily annoyances or frustrations. Once I started getting my tears out first thing in the morning, I was less reactive during the day. It took a while to feel less foggy, but I began to feel more like myself and in control of my emotions.<br />
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I hadn't thought about this technique for a while, but was reminded last May after watching the series finale of The Office. I bawled my eyes out and the following day, I felt eerily peaceful. This was eerie, because most days I was barely holding it together as I rode the crazy hormone ride of my pregnancy. I continued the experiment by watching the finale several more times in the same week, and I really did feel more in control. Once the effects of that show wore off, I continued to seek out shows that would bring me to tears.<br />
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This kind of induced catharsis has become a fairly intentional practice for me. I try to get my cry fix about once a week (recent inducers include Call the Midwife, Parenthood, and the Olympics). I have no way to scientifically prove it, but I think I feel better, and do better, after a good cry. Like the vent on a pressure cooker, I feel it gives me an outlet to release whatever emotions have been building so that I can work back towards a clean emotional slate.<br />
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So...feeling stressed? Out of sorts? Give it a try. Get your cry on.<br />
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Sources:<br />
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For everything you've ever wanted to know about crying - and then some - check out:<br />
<a href="http://books.google.com/books?id=RHFYYwo9kREC&printsec=frontcover&dq=crying&hl=en&sa=X&ei=I_MlU565M6Hn0QH68IDAAg&ved=0CFoQ6AEwCA#v=onepage&q=crying&f=false"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">Vingerhoets, Adrianus Johannes Josephus Maria, and Randolph R. Cornelius, eds. </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">Adult crying: A biopsychosocial approach</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">. Vol. 3. Psychology Press, 2001.</span></a><br />
<br />
For a quick, accessible read about crying, try <a href="http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/crying1.htm">this article</a> at HowStuffWorks.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-91330070185829148912014-03-10T20:00:00.000-04:002014-04-15T18:57:13.123-04:00Forgive and Let Go through Empathy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I experienced a good deal of stress the Fall I completed my Master's degree.Thesis deadlines loomed and I often felt panicked, wondering if I could actually complete all the work to be done while also passing as a half-way decent wife and mother. I wasn't sleeping well and when I did sleep, I was having a lot of anxiety dreams. They weren't the kind where you suddenly realize you're naked in a public place or where you show up to an exam and realize you have never been to the class. Instead, I would dream about people from my past. More specifically, they were people with whom I had been very close, but our relationship had ended with some degree of conflict. Dreaming about them was not pleasant and I woke feeling pretty lousy.<br />
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In all cases, I had assumed that I was over the hurt and disappointment caused and that I had sufficiently grieved the end of the these relationships. As I continued to have the dreams and to ruminate, however, I realized that, deep down, I was still wounded and angry. Part of me was holding a grudge and it was hurting no one but me.<br />
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It was unhealthy and I needed to let go. But how?<br />
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I did some research on forgiveness and tried anything that seemed like it would help me fully forgive. I wrote letters of forgiveness. I listed all of the good things that came out of the relationships and practiced gratitude. I envisioned the people who had hurt me and held them with thoughts of loving kindness. The dreams and the unpleasant feelings persisted.<br />
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I then came across a mediation tool in a book about compassion (see below!) and adapted it to my own circumstances. The point of the exercise was to use empathy to understand the series of events that made up the past conflicts from the perspective of the person I wanted to forgive. The exercise was simple, but challenging. Through the process, I had to open myself to a completely different story from the one with which I was comfortable and familiar. In this new story I wasn't always painted in the best light. Ultimately, I had to take responsibility for my part in the conflict, shifting from the victim to the participant.<br />
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In the end, I felt I had a more complete and honest understanding of the past conflicts and new-found compassion for the others involved. I was able to forgive them, and myself, for the hurt that had been caused. And, over time, my stress dreams reverted back to the public nudity and unprepared exam types.<br />
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If you've been struggling to forgive someone, from your past or present, I offer you this Honest and Gentle exercise...<br />
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<ol>
<li>Create a chart with three columns. </li>
<li><b>First Column: What Happened?</b> Make note of all of the events or behaviors that contributed to the conflict. </li>
<li><b>Second Column: How did I feel?</b> For each event, take a few moments to close your eyes and remember how you felt in the moment. Without judging them as good or bad, write down 2-3 feeling words to describe your experience in the second column. </li>
<li><b>Third Column: How might ____ have felt?</b> Now, go back through each event, this time imagining how the other person/people involved may have experienced it. Try to recall how they reacted, what they looked like, their voice tone and choice of words, and any other behavior that would give you insight to the way they were feeling. Without judging them as good or bad, write down 1-2 feeling words describing the way you suspect they may have felt at the moment. </li>
<li><b>Now What?</b> Sit with this for a while, focusing on the feelings of the other person and what they might mean. Imagine going through the same events as the other person. From here, you can simply move forward with new insight and compassion. Or you may want to write a letter - to burn or to send. Or you may even want to make contact and have a conversation. Honor what feels right to you. </li>
</ol>
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Image credit: Colours by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/camdiluv/">Camdiluv</a>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en">cc license</a><br />
<br />
Here's a great read: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/533994.Field_Notes_on_the_Compassionate_Life">Field Notes on the Compassionate Life: A search for the soul of kindness by Marc Barasch</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-37058418178672576182014-03-03T22:35:00.001-05:002014-03-12T09:54:12.043-04:00Do Toddlers and Pregnant Women Have Anything in Common?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Our most recent snowfall, although it did not live up to the hype, was reminding me of Snowmageddon. I was newly pregnant with Cadence during that event and had started to notice some odd effects. For example, while out shoveling snow, I yelled at a guy who didn't clean up after his dog after the dog did its business in front of our house. At first I was friendly and offered to run inside for a plastic bag, but when the guy ignored me and kept walking, I quickly became filled with rage and called the guy an asshole. Loudly - as if I had suddenly lost my internal filter. Then I cried.<br />
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I came to think of these outbursts as my "<a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/05/reboot-and-happy-news-to-share.html">pregnancy rage</a>," which I've written about briefly.<br />
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When I was pregnant with Laurel, something occurred to me. I was doing a lot of reading about toddlers, seeking to understand how best to support Cadence as she dealt with her own powerful emotions. I came to understand how toddlers are largely ruled by their limbic systems while higher, executive functions of the brain, like impulse control, develop more slowly. I saw how my own, sweet toddler would be smiling one minute and completely melting into a ball of raw emotion the next and I would think, "Man, that's how I feel." I wondered if our brains looked anything alike at those moments. <br />
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I must confess, I was employing some 'bad science' tactics as I prepared to write this post. I spent many hours searching through research papers in the hopes of finding a scientific paper that supported my pre-conceived conclusions: MRI study shows that pregnant women and toddlers have identical brain activity! I did not find anything like that. In fact, I did not find any satisfying answers at all.<br />
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And I wondered, what I was really out to prove or understand? Any time someone is stressed, - and pregnancy is certainly one of those times - higher functions, again, like impulse control, are going to be compromised. When we go into "fight or flight" mode, that's the limbic system coming on line in a big way, and, yes, we feel an awful lot like toddlers at those moments.<br />
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What was helpful for me was recognizing how scary it was for my daughter to experience such intense emotions. In the aftermath of her raging or crying, I held and hugged her to let her know that she was safe and loved. I recognized how disturbing it was for me, as well, to feel like my emotions were similarly out of control at times. And caring for Cadence, I was able to also extend more compassion to myself and my own needs to feel loved and safe after emotional outbursts. <br />
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Photo credit: Jason did a photo shoot with Cadence and I when I was two weeks away from giving birth to Laurel. This was among my favorites. :)<br />
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I revisited The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. when thinking about this post. I love science, especially when it gives me insight to my own experience and behavior.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-34726545911332456612014-02-24T20:00:00.000-05:002014-03-12T09:55:42.952-04:00How to Apologize with Empathy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Have you ever had one of those moments where you just wanted to scream? (Of course, you have.) I had one of those moments last week. Laurel was having a rough day (I'm pretty sure a tooth is on its way) and Cadence was also demanding a lot of attention. I felt myself reaching a breaking point in the afternoon, so I tried to escape to the bathroom for a few moments of deep breathing. Unfortunately, Cadence was not on board with my plan and insisted on following me. I tried begging her for a few minutes of alone time as I raced up the stairs, but she was right on my heels. I felt frustrated and suddenly, in an odd, out-of-body kind of moment, a primal yell was coming out of my throat.<br />
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For a brief moment, I felt relieved. The relief was quickly replaced by remorse, however, when I saw the look of shock on Cadence's face, which then gave way to sobbing. I wasn't yelling at her, I wasn't even facing her when it happened, but she was clearly terrified. Sigh. Trying to find the good in the situation, I mentally reminded myself that here was an excellent opportunity to practice apologizing with empathy.<br />
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I feel strongly about teaching life skills, either in formal trainings or at home with the kiddos, by modelling them. Lately, I've been modeling the art of apology. A lot. In doing so, I've been thinking about what is important, when making an apology.<br />
<br />
Normally, I feel that there are many right ways to do something - and, really, who am I to say what's right and what's wrong? In this case, though, I think there really is a wrong way to apologize. And I'm betting that you've been the recipient of the wrong kind of apology, yes? One where the other person didn't really seem sorry (a glib, "Sorry 'bout that"), or was more concerned about explaining their actions ("Sorry, but you need to understand..."), or seemed more interested in alleviating their own guilt ("Phew! Glad that's off my chest...").<br />
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The purpose of apologizing is to acknowledge wrong-doing or hurt and to begin the process of repairing a relationship. Looking at apologies through the lens of empathy and thinking about the needs of the person receiving the apology helps to do it right. I believe the right kind of apology has three parts:<br />
<br />
<b>1. I'm Sorry (no ifs, ands, or buts). </b>The apology recipient needs to know that you are actually sorry about what you did, what happened, or at least the impact it had. Period. This is not the time for justifying or explaining the situation from your own perspective (yet).<br />
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<b>2. Acknowledgement of the impact</b>. Most likely, you did not intend to cause hurt or damage, but intentions do not always predict impact. The apology recipient needs to know that you understand how s/he feels, which you can do by <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">reflecting feelings</a> or by asking questions, e.g., "I can see that you're upset about (what I did). Can you tell me about how it affected you?"<br />
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<b>3. How can I make amends? </b>Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood has a great episode about apologizing. The jingle for the show is, "Saying I'm sorry is the first step. Now, how can I help?" The apology recipient needs to know that you are interested in repairing damage and/or taking steps to see that it doesn't happen again. You can share what you would like to do to make amends or ask what would be helpful. At this point, after you have said you are sorry and acknowledged the impact, it would be appropriate to share your perspective and what you intended, as well as to ask for input on how you could avoid causing hurt in the future. <br />
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Continuing my example from the other day, I first sat with Cadence until she stopped crying and was ready to hear me. I told her I was sorry and that I realized that I had really scared her when I yelled. I asked her to tell me what it was like, which she did, tearfully. I asked her what I could do to help her feel better and she asked for some of our special cuddling time (done!). I let her know that I had been feeling frustrated and asked her what I should do the next time I was upset and needed some alone time. She told me that the next time I was frustrated, she would give me a big hug. Not quite what I had in mind, but you can't say no to that!<br />
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Image credit: Sorry - Typography by <a href="http://mrbrightideas.deviantart.com/">Jace Kennedy</a>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/">cc license</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-57734163768611393112014-02-17T23:12:00.000-05:002014-03-12T09:56:06.205-04:00Good In, Good Out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I didn't have the smoothest transition into motherhood. My plans to continue consulting and training for the crisis hotline where I had worked dissolved when the board voted to dissolve the organization. The hotline took it's last call two and a half weeks after Cadence was born; I spent the beginning of that new chapter in life grieving the loss of my place in the workplace as well as all the social connections that went along with it. I had also not anticipated how difficult it was going to be to connect with most of my friends who worked full time; our lives had such different rhythms. I certainly had not anticipated losing friends to motherhood.<br />
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I don't want to downplay how much I loved being a mom, but I think most who have been through it would attest to the emotional ups and downs of intense love existing alongside intense fear and loneliness. I became quite the T.V. junkie to numb those negative emotions. Cadence nursed a LOT and didn't sleep well when she wasn't held, so it was easy to spend most of the day planted on the couch watching every iteration of Law & Order while she ate and slept in arms.<br />
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Between 3- and 4-months old, Cadence became more aware of the world and it became increasingly difficult to nurse her in distracting environments. I wasn't able to nurse Cadence in front of the T.V. as much and, as my mind was no longer distracted, I started experiencing what the research literature calls 'intrusive thoughts' and what philosophers consider 'existential crisis.' Many times throughout the day, especially when sitting still and nursing, my mind would start playing out various scenarios involving death - Cadence's, Jason's, and/or my own. The nature of the thoughts was not suicidal or homicidal, but they were no less disturbing and the ruminations often brought me to the point of tears. I couldn't bear the thought of our family being permanently separated in any fashion and I felt, at times, like I was going crazy.<br />
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I understand, now, that what I experienced is fairly 'normal.' I listed a few citations below, if you're interested in reading more. Intrusive thoughts in individuals who are not considered to have clinical illness, like the thought of leaping when you're standing on a bridge, are universal and may be our mind's way of reminding us of environmental dangers. It makes sense, then, that my mind was keen to remind me of the fragility of life and the importance of keeping my family safe so that I remained alert to our survival. It's a rather unpleasant alarm system and one I was not prepared to experience. I knew all the warning signs of postpartum depression and anxiety, but I did not fit into those diagnoses.<br />
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What I did notice, was that the intrusive thoughts and ruminations were worse when I was taking in a steady diet of crime procedurals. At that realization, I quit cold turkey: No more CSI, Law & Order, Bones, Crossing Jordon - none of them! I even stopped watching old reruns of my absolute favorite, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I started being very careful about the images and words I was taking in, knowing that it was much more important to get a good night's sleep than to keep up with the latest critically acclaimed dramas.<br />
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Good in, good out. It's become a philosophy for me that plays a much larger role in my life than that of a t.v. guide. I find that when I'm discriminating about everything I take in - entertainment, education, the people I spend time with, activity, food - I'm more able to be well, present, empathetic, and compassionate.<br />
<br />
On that note, I'm excited to share that I'm staring a free, weekly e-newsletter:<br />
Good In, Good Out: A steady diet of good stuff to fuel your soul, mind, and body<br />
<br />
In addition to linking to Honest and Gentle posts, I'll be sharing the good things I'm taking in to grow, to fuel creativity, to live more healthfully, and to practice empathy. The first newsletter will be going out on Tuesday, March 18th - I hope you'll give it a try and let me know what you think!<br />
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For more reading on intrusive thoughts, try <a href="http://www.nmhrc.com/excerpts/Intrusive%20Thoughts%20in%20Clinical%20Disorders.pdf">Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts in Nonclinical Individuals</a> (a chapter from Intrusive Thoughts in Clinical Disorders, Edited by David A. Clark.<br />
<br />
And here's some research looking at postpartum intrusive thoughts:<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">Abramowitz, J. S., Schwartz, S. A., & Moore, K. M. (2003). Obsessional thoughts in postpartum females and their partners: Content, severity, and relationship with depression. </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">,</span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">10</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">(3), 157-164.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">Fairbrother, N., & Woody, S. R. (2008). New mothers’ thoughts of harm related to the newborn. </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">Archives of women's mental health</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">11</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">(3), 221-229.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">Finally, intrusive thoughts can be a symptom of postpartum depression or anxiety. If intrusive thoughts are causing you distress, please reach out for help. You can learn more and get connected to resources at <a href="http://www.postpartum.net/">Postpartum Support International</a>. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16.1200008392334px;">Image Credit: picture of a woman by <a href="http://freerainbowchildren.deviantart.com/">freerainbowchildren</a>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/">cc license</a></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubZKu4hOe-UtN53QdkvudzfcfSssD5EGgjFEzjseble8alROnWTgV-gk7JfT6_1kT5XwMkRcRGimLwrQzFEq-9k_9htLO7Qolvk-p06VRg6KNGZ8-NAwxSOwH8iHP_XWgphNGzzV9jyx2/s1600/red-40805_640.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubZKu4hOe-UtN53QdkvudzfcfSssD5EGgjFEzjseble8alROnWTgV-gk7JfT6_1kT5XwMkRcRGimLwrQzFEq-9k_9htLO7Qolvk-p06VRg6KNGZ8-NAwxSOwH8iHP_XWgphNGzzV9jyx2/s1600/red-40805_640.png" height="320" width="276" /></a></div>
In a recent conversation, my husband asked me what was wrong with 'sympathy.' I began my spiel on sympathy versus empathy from my hotline training days, but it all began to seem a bit pointless. It became clear that he was less interested in a lesson on semantics and much more interested in how to be kind and helpful. Of course, my answer to, "Which is more kind and helpful: sympathy or empathy?" was, "It depends."<br />
<br />
Hmm...I think I'll amend that to, "Usually empathy, but it depends."<br />
<br />
Sympathy is a reaction to what someone else is going through or feeling based on our own experience with or how we think we'd feel in a similar situation. We typically think of sympathy as a reaction to a negative experience, for example, feeling sad because a friend was fired from her job. Experiencing that kind of pain and sadness is uncomfortable, so the natural reaction is to help your friend feel better. Perhaps you'd take her out for a drink, send flowers, or remind her of all the reasons that she's better off not being at that job, all in the name of easing her pain.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Sympathy can be boiled down to, "I feel bad seeing you in pain and I want to make it better." That's not so bad, right? At best, sympathy is a win-win. I can certainly think back to difficult times in my life (disappointments, break-ups) when kind, sympathetic gestures were most welcome. It definitely has its place.<br />
<br />
At worst, however, sympathy can be experienced as pity or send the message, "I can't deal with your pain, so feel better, please."<br />
<br />
Empathy, on the other hand, is all about putting aside your own feelings and experiencing the situation from another's perspective. In the case of your fired friend, it would involve listening to her, sitting with her pain and not trying to fix it or make it go away. Empathy creates strong, healing connections, but it can be uncomfortable and emotionally taxing.<br />
<br />
Rather than have a sympathy/empathy debate with yourself any time you are faced with supporting someone you care about through a difficult time, I offer the following for consideration:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Is this helping the other person or is it helping me? </li>
<li>Is this something the other person needs or is this what I need? </li>
<li>Is this lessening the other person's pain or is it lessening my pain? </li>
<li>How full are my own emotional reserves and how much can I give? </li>
</ul>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-87772282062131161722014-02-03T20:00:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:50:11.281-04:00How to Recover When You Haven't Been Listening<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Does this ever happen to you?
<br />
<br />
You're chatting with a good friend when something she says reminds you that you have to tell her about running into an old co-worker, which reminds you of your last trip to the grocery store, which reminds you that you have to remember to get butter this week, which reminds you that you need to make a plan for eating more healthfully, which reminds you that you wanted to look up some recipes for tofu, which reminds you that you still need to finish reading that article about....oops! You've totally missed what your friend has been saying and you're lost.<br />
<br />
Yeah, it happens to me, too. More than I'd like to admit. So... do you ever try faking it?<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
You know, you nod and give a meaningful, "I hear ya!" or "Wow." Or just repeat the last couple of words she said ("...organic lettuce") hoping she'll just pick up and continue.<br />
<br />
Yeah, me too. However, I've been on the receiving end of these techniques as well and, honestly, it always makes me feel somewhere between uncomfortable/hurt and annoyed/angry. Enough so, that I don't try to fake it anymore.<br />
<br />
How can you recover gracefully when you haven't been listening? Take a breath and...<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><b style="font-weight: bold;"><u>Own Up and Apologize.</u></b> It's really not a big deal, but it can mean so much when you're willing to say, "I'm sorry, I got distracted and I missed what you said." </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b><u>Get Back on the Same Page.</u> </b>Summarize what you understand, so far and ask your friend to repeat what you missed. (For more on effective summarizing, see <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills_12.html">Reflecting Content</a>)</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><u><b>Reassure or Reschedule.</b></u> Reassure your friend that you are present and listening, now. Or, if that isn't possible, let her know why you can't continue right now and make a plan for when you can hear the rest of what she has to say. (Almost half of my phone calls to my mom end with me apologizing for missing what she has just said and then promising to call back to hear about ____ as soon as (insert child's name) is no longer crying/distracted by tv/asleep/etc.)</li>
</ul>
<div>
When you're open about your attention lapse and make the effort to recover, you convey respect and care. AND you get to avoid those awkward moments when you both know you weren't listening but you're too embarrassed to say anything and you're friend is too uncomfortable to call you out on it. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Ahh...doesn't it feel good to be honest and gentle? </div>
<br />
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Photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ky_olsen/3133347219/in/photostream/">Listen</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ky_olsen/">ky_olsen</a>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en">cc license</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-43397837348897051942014-01-27T22:00:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:50:48.915-04:00Mirror, Mirror On My Daughter's Face<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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One day, a friend of mine was visiting with her baby. Cadence was tired of playing on her own and told me that she wanted to watch a TV show. I reminded her that we don't turn on the TV when guests are visiting and she responded by saying, "I want to watch a show, RIGHT NOW." I assured Cadence that she would get her TV time and acknowledged that it was hard to wait, but Cadence just repeated her demand. This time, she stamped her feet to emphasize the 'RIGHT NOW.' I tried distraction, but my girl was persistent and continued to demand and stomp.<br />
<br />
Cadence had been doing the 'RIGHT NOW' thing a lot in the past few days and it was getting pretty annoying. It occurred to me in that moment that she often imitates some of the more obnoxious characters she sees on TV and that could be the source of the current annoyance. I decided to switch tactics and test my theory (my money was on Quack the duck). So, I smiled and acted like we were in on the same joke:<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
"Who says that, Cadence? Who says, 'RIGHT NOW?'" (I even stamped and made a face for comic effect.)<br />
<br />
Cadence smiled (she loves when we share a joke) and replied, "You say it, Mommy."<br />
<br />
"Oh."<br />
<br />
Man, I felt like a fool. Luckily, though, it was enough of a distraction that Cadence dropped her TV demands and moved on to playing with something else.<br />
<br />
Kids take up a lot of time. I really miss having more time for deep reflection; time for thinking about how I can be more honest and gentle in day-to-day life; time to think about how I need to change. The trade off is that kids will sometimes cut through all of that processing by simply holding up a mirror.<br />
<br />
When Cadence said, "RIGHT NOW," and stomped her little foot, it was maddening! Who was this little person telling <i>me</i> what to do?! I have never been a fan of being told what to do and my response to that kind of immediate, direct command is to <i>not</i> do what I've been asked, no matter how reasonable the request.<br />
<br />
We could dive into why I react that way, but let's not. For now, it's enough to acknowledge that that is how I feel. And it's true, Cadence absolutely got the 'RIGHT NOW' phrasing from me. As soon as she said it, I thought of all the times that I had told her that we had to do something RIGHT NOW; that she had to put her shoes on RIGHT NOW; that she had to stop playing RIGHT NOW, etc.<br />
<br />
The gift of all this is that now I have a better understanding of how my words, and the RIGHT NOW command in particular, affect Cadence - and just how ineffective they can be! I am more mindful of treating Cadence with respect when I'm making requests. I am trying to treat her the way I would want to be treated. It's the Golden Rule, but somehow it's easy to forget, when dealing with children, that they are also people who are affected by the way you saying things and who deserve respect.<br />
<br />
When Cadence called me out - in front of my friend, too! - I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I also had to laugh. There is just no escaping the truth with little ones. I hope that Cadence will always be that frank with me and continue to hold up the mirror. She keeps me honest. <br />
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The image I used for this post is <i>Mother and Child</i> by Mary Cassatt. The first time I became aware of Mary Cassatt's work was while visiting my sister-in-law in Vermont. She was working at the Shelburne Museum which has a collection of Mary Cassatt's paintings depicting mothers and children and mothers nursing their babies.<br />
<br />
Quack the duck is from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEqp2bnbURA">Peep and the Big Wide World</a>, one of Cadence and my favorite TV shows. <br />
*********************************************************************************Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-42054156073178889552014-01-20T22:18:00.001-05:002014-04-03T21:51:12.703-04:00Radical Love: Inspiration From John Lewis<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Before this past year I had a terribly incomplete understanding of the philosophy and practice of nonviolence. The word "nonviolence" always brought images of Martin Luther King, Jr. or Gandhi to mind along with thoughts of civil disobedience, peaceful demonstrations, and pacifism. My eyes were opened to the other side of nonviolence when I heard an interview with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Lewis_(U.S._politician)">John Lewis</a>, a civil rights activist, politician, and nonviolence advocate, on the <a href="http://www.onbeing.org/">On Being</a> podcast (1). What I had been missing was the kind of active, radical love practiced by the adherents of nonviolence.<br />
<br />
Nonviolence requires its practitioners to actively love and empathize with the people on the other side of their cause, even when the people on the other side are, "<i>attacking you, beating you, spitting on you...</i>" For many receiving that kind of treatment, it would be hard to not respond in kind. John Lewis explained the basis for not responding to violence with violence:<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>In the bosom of every human being there is a spark of the divine. So you don't have a right, as a human, to abuse that spark of the divine in your fellow human being...</i></blockquote>
I was especially struck by the description of how civil rights activists, nonviolence practitioners, would practice for peaceful demonstrations through role play. While being yelled at, spat upon, and otherwise abused, they would practice overriding the natural tendency to respond to abuse with abuse, instead responding with love and empathy.<br />
<br />
I have a hard time responding with love and empathy to someone who causes me pain, or sometimes even inconvenience, unintentionally. It gets even harder when it's intentional, and finding the capacity to love in the face of straight-out-hate feels overwhelming. Again, in John Lewis's words:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>...years ago that person was an innocent child, innocent little baby, and so what happened? Did something go wrong? Did the environment, or did someone teach that person to hate, to abuse others? So you try to appeal to the goodness of every human being. And you don't give up. You never give up on anyone.</i></blockquote>
In addition to everything it has meant in the past, MLK Day will now always be a reminder for me to seek that spark of the divine in others and to never give up on loving radically and practicing empathy as the path to a better world. Be the change.<br />
*********************************************************************************<br />
(1) <a href="http://www.onbeing.org/program/john-lewis-on-the-art-and-discipline-of-nonviolence/5126">John Lewis on the Art and Discipline of Nonviolence (March 28, 2013). On Being with Krista Tippett </a><br />
<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-85530239239716942112014-01-13T20:00:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:51:23.812-04:00Laurel's Lessons in Patience<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Soon after Laurel's birth, I described her to one of my friends as a little enlightened being, so serene and present. Like most infants, she's fairly immediate when it comes to basic needs. However, once she's fed and comfortable, see seems to have an abundance of patience and calm. When Laurel first discovered her hands, she spent several days in a row trying to move them to her mouth. She would watch with such intensity as she slowly moved her hand closer, closer, and then into her eye or cheek. It was kind of hilarious to observe, but she never got agitated or upset. She would just deliberately extend her arm and try again. And again. <br />
<br />
This patient perseverance has continued. She'll spend fifteen minutes just studying her feet or doggedly grab at the monkey on her floor gym until she is able to snatch him out of his loop. I have much to learn from my little Laurel!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
I have a hard time being patient with some of my current reality. I'm tired of wearing the same yoga pants day after day and not being able to squeeze into more than one pair of 'real' pants. I wish my body was as strong and able as it was at this time last year. Yesterday, Laurel accompanied me to my first yoga class since giving birth. It was an up and down kind of experience. I'd feel great in one pose and then another would make me painfully aware of my larger girth. In one pose I'd feel so strong and then another would target my weaker muscles. Happily, Laurel was there smiling at me through the entire class. She was a constant reminder of the amazing things my body has done in recent history and how important it is to honor that and to be patient and compassionate towards myself.<br />
<br />
Parenting a toddler is another facet of my life requiring patience, these days. As Cadence continues to grow and adapt to the changes in our family life, I've had to develop new tools to guide her and keep peace in the house. I've been working hard to practice new skills when it comes to handling our conflicts, but it isn't always pretty. All too often, I resort to old patterns of yelling or saying something hurtful. At those time I not only have to deal with the original conflict, but also have to repair the damage done to my relationship with Cadence. It makes it easy to get down on myself and my parenting abilities.<br />
<br />
Here, too, I'm trying to be patient and compassionate with myself. Change comes slowly and new skills take a lot of practice before they become habit. Like Laurel, when I stick my fist in my eye, I should refrain from blame and just keep trying. Or something like that.<br />
<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-83849697404258866392014-01-06T22:02:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:51:49.362-04:00Prompting Others to Actively Listen<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
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We have come to the final chapter of my <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/06/an-introduction-to-active-listening.html">Active Listening Primer</a>! If you've been following along and practicing your new skills in day to day life with the people you care about, you may have started running in to a frustration that my hotline volunteers and the folks I coached through challenging conversations also encountered. Sometimes, what you really need is a demonstration that what <i>you </i>are saying is understood. When you work so hard to convey empathy through reflective communication and careful listening, it's especially hard to not be treated in kind.<br />
<br />
<h3>
So, how do you get someone else to actively listen to <i>you</i>?!? </h3>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
You really can't <i>make</i> anyone else listen, but there are some things you can do or say that will increase your chances of getting the kind of feedback you desire. First, keep on using active listening skills, yourself. If this is a recent change in the way you interact with others, it takes time for others to respond to a new way of communicating and your demonstration will be a model for others to follow.<br />
<br />
If you are intentionally trying to use more active listening with someone in particular, especially someone you are close to (like a spouse or sibling) or someone you interact with a lot (like a coworker), it may be useful to have a direct conversation about the way you communicate. For instance, you could ask that you both agree to use active listening whenever you have something important to discuss and then share the resources you've found useful for developing your own active listening skills.<br />
<br />
For those times that you are already in the moment and you need to feel heard, there are some prompts that I have found useful in getting the feedback that demonstrates my feelings and perspective are understood. Apparently, I've been using these kinds of prompts often enough that my 3-year old has started using them herself (got to love those little living mirrors!). We had this exchange the other day:<br />
<br />
Cadence: "I have tears!"<br />
Me: "I see your tears! It looks like you're feeling sad."<br />
Cadence: "Why am I sad?"<br />
Me: "You're sad because you can't have a cookie right now. Is that right?"<br />
Cadence: "Yes, that's it. You said I can't have a cookie."<br />
<br />
There were a few more tears, but after a little cuddle, Cadence moved on to playing. It was pretty cool how she was able to prompt me through reflecting her feelings and perspective. Here are some ways that you can do the same:<br />
<br />
<h3>
Prompt for reflecting feelings: <i>"Do you understand that I'm feeling _____, right now?"</i></h3>
<br />
This kind of prompt lets the other person know how you're feeling and invites a response that acknowledges your feelings. It does requires you to be clear about the way you are feeling and willing to articulate it, but it's very effective for getting on the same page with regard to your emotional state. Here are some other variations:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>"I'm feeling _____. Is that clear?"</li>
<li>"I think I'm feeling _____. Does that make sense to you?"</li>
</ul>
<br />
<h3>
Prompt for reflecting content: <i>"I'm not sure we're on the same page. Can you tell me what you understand so we can move forward from there?" </i></h3>
<br />
<br />
This is a great strategy to use when the other person shifts the conversation to his/her own perspective before acknowledging yours, says something that demonstrates you are not understood, or seems genuinely confused. It will prompt the other person to paraphrase what has been said so that you can be clear on what is or is not understood. It also shows that you are taking responsibility for making sure that your own communication is clear. Here are some other variations:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>"I'm not sure whether or not what I just said made sense. Can you please repeat back to me what you heard?"</li>
<li>"Before we move on, I want to make sure I've expressed myself accurately. Can you tell me what you think I'm saying?"</li>
</ul>
<br />
As you use these prompts, note that it does put the other person on the spot, which can be rather uncomfortable! Your tone of voice and reaction to the response will go a long way to cultivate the safe environment needed for active listening. Continue being honest and gentle, honest and gentle, honest and gentle...<br />
<br />
This concludes the Active Listening Primer series; I hope you enjoyed it! You can use the links below to revisit and review other topics in the Primer.<br />
<br /></div>
<h4>
The Active Listening Primer</h4>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/06/an-introduction-to-active-listening.html">Introduction</a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Part 1: The Active Listening Mindset</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-focus.html">Focus</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-respect.html">Respect</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-non.html">Non-Judgment</a></li>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in;">
</div>
</ul>
Part 2: Basic Active Listening Skills<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">Identifying and Reflecting Feelings</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills_12.html">Reflecting Content</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-listening-skills-asking.html">Asking Productive Questions</a></li>
</ul>
<div>
Bonus: <span style="color: #cc0000;">Prompting Others to Actively Listen</span> <span style="color: #cc0000;">(you are here)</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-20262593100240240062013-12-30T22:16:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:52:01.659-04:00Three Things That Blew My Mind in 2013<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week I shared how a short conversation can lead to a small shift in perspective which, in turn, can clear up a huge <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/white-christmas-and-misunderstandings.html">misunderstanding</a>. Isn't it true how it's often little things that can have the biggest impacts on our lives: A quick decision, a tidbit of information, a new short cut? There are three little things I learned this past year that kind of blew my mind and changed my every day life and health in big ways. They don't have anything to do with empathy, compassion, or communication, bu I thought it was worth the departure to pass them along.<br />
<br />
<h3>
1. You can make pasta, with sauce from scratch, in one pot, in about 20 minutes. For real.</h3>
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>One evening this past Summer I found myself in an unfortunate dinner scenario. Cadence and I had been out visiting with friends and it went later than expected so that I didn't have time, when we got back home, to make what I had planned. To make matters worse, we were overdue for grocery shopping, so I didn't have anything to make one of our quick fall back meals (no bread for pb&j, no butter or milk for mac'n'cheese). Cadence was tired, hungry, and beginning to melt down, Jason was out and wouldn't be home to help with dinner, and I was beginning to panic.<br />
<br />
Then I remembered an idea from the June edition of Martha Stewart Living, in an article titled <u>Test-Kitchen Wisdom</u> (1). It described making a pasta dish by simply throwing everything in one pot and promised that you would end up with perfectly cooked pasta in sauce. I had some tomatoes, basil, and one ripe bell pepper from our garden, so I gave it a go - and I was amazed!<br />
<br />
In twenty minutes, I had perfectly cooked pasta with a fresh, tasty sauce. Cadence loved it, as did Jason when he returned later in the evening. When I told Jason how it was made he said, "Oh! Like Pastaroni." Sigh.<br />
<br />
Here's how you do it:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>In a large pot or skillet, pour a couple glugs of olive oil and set it over medium heat. </li>
<li>While the oil is heating, chop up some produce for the sauce and throw them in the pot. </li>
<li>Add dry pasta and water (I used 12oz of pasta and two cups of water, which worked well). Cover the pot and increase the heat to high. </li>
<li>When you get to a boil, remove the lid. When the water boils off to the point that you're happy with the consistency of the sauce, you're ready to eat. I like to finish it off with a bit of cream, if I have it on hand. </li>
</ul>
<div>
Farm-to-table quality dinner in less than half an hour and I only have one pot to clean? Hell yes! Mind blown. </div>
<br />
<br />
<h3>
2. You can make steel-cut oats in 10 minutes (with minimal prep).</h3>
<br />
I love steel cut oats, but at 30-45 minutes, they just take too much time. It feels like a small miracle when we're able to get everyone dressed and fed before Jason leaves for work. Our morning time is at a premium. I've tried several short cuts to make them a more realistic breakfast, to no avail: Toasting the oats doesn't reduce cooking time enough, parboiling the day before still takes too much time on both ends, and making them in the slow cooker overnight produces a gluey mess.<br />
<br />
Luckily, America's Test Kitchen was working on this problem and came up with a beautiful fix (2). It does require some pre-planning, but it's minimal and the oats only take 10 minutes to cook in the morning.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>The night before you want to have steel cut oats for breakfast, put one cup of the oats in a pot, add 3 cups of boiling water, cover, and leave it on your stove top overnight. I use an electric tea kettle to boil the water, so this takes about five minutes. Totally doable. </li>
<li>In the morning, add one more cup of liquid: water, milk, juice (the America's Test Kitchen recipe used half milk, half apple cider) - whatever suits your tastes or whatever you have on hand will work. Bring it to a boil and then simmer and stir until you like the consistency. </li>
</ul>
<div>
The morning step has consistently taken me exactly 10 minutes. Uncanny. And mind-blowing. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h3>
3. I'm not allergic to Penicillin. </h3>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And neither are 80 to 90 percent of adults who think they have a penicillin allergy (3). Seriously. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I found this out a few weeks before my due date, when I was reviewing my birth plan with the midwives. I was "diagnosed" with a penicillin allergy in high school, when I developed a rash following penicillin treatment. It turns out that most penicillin allergies are diagnosed similarly during childhood, but the rashes are more likely to be caused by a virus than by the penicillin. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is a pretty big deal. Penicillin is often more effective than other antibiotics because fewer bacteria strains are resistant to penicillin. Penicillin is often a cheaper option, as well. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In my case, I ended up being positive for Group B Strep and, therefore, required antibiotic treatment during labor (4). Penicillin/ampicillin is the first choice for treatment in this case. For patients who are allergic, there are other options, but the bacteria strains can be resistant to some (they were in my case) and others require administration in the hospital (when I was hoping for a birth center delivery). Happily, I was able to be tested for penicillin allergy before I went into labor and found out that I was NOT allergic. Crazy! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If you've walked around most of your life believing that you have a penicillin allergy, I highly suggest you talk to your primary care physician about allergy testing. It doesn't take much time and it will keep your antibiotic treatment options fully open. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-size: large;">Here's to lots of A-ha!, Wow!, and other mind-blowing moments in 2014!</span></div>
<br />
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(1) Sweet! The article is available online: <a href="http://www.marthastewart.com/1005557/test-kitchen-wisdom">Test-Kitchen Wisdom</a><br />
(2) If you sign up at the America's Test Kitchen site (free), you can access their recipe: <a href="http://www.americastestkitchen.com/recipes/7020-ten-minute-steel-cut-oatmeal">Ten-Minute Steel-Cut Oatmeal</a><br />
(3) Salkind, AR, Cuddy, PG, et. al. (2001) Is this patient allergic to penicillin? An evidence-based analysis of the likelihood of penicillin allergy. JAMA, 285(19): 2498-2505. Click <a href="http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=193846#CLINICALSCENARIOS">here</a>.<br />
(4) This is an excellent and thorough article that helped me immensely when I was working through my GBS drama: <a href="http://evidencebasedbirth.com/groupbstrep/">Group B Strep in Pregnancy: Evidence for antibiotics and alternatives. </a><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-72367305942280820232013-12-24T16:07:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:52:13.651-04:00White Christmas and Misunderstandings<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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It has been a magical holiday season for our household. Cadence is into everything Christmas, so we've been spending our days listening to holiday music, acting out scenes from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," and playing 'Santa.' Laurel has taken to nursing on and off for several hours in the evening, which gives me the perfect excuse to sit back and watch holiday movies. I'm loving it!<br />
<br />
My favorite holiday movie, hands down, is White Christmas. I love the songs, the dancing, and I sob at the end of the movie every time when (spoiler alert) it begins snowing. True story. I love it all in spite of the fact that the source of romantic conflict comes entirely from, one of my pet peeves, a misunderstanding that could easily be cleared up in less than five minutes. In this case, an innkeeper eaves drops on part of a phone call made by Bob (Bing Crosby) and repeats the misinformation to Betty (Rosemary Clooney). Betty becomes upset with Bob and, thereafter, perceives everything he says in the worst possible light. Instead of having a straightforward conversation about it, she decides to leave town. It seems utterly ridiculous.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Or maybe not? It may be that this story line is more realistic than it seems at first glance. These kinds of misunderstandings happen all the time, leading us to spend way too much energy on perceived wrongs. It could be that we don't know the whole story or we assign the wrong intention to something we see or hear. Until humans evolve to read minds, we're doomed to take part in this eternal guessing game, which involves lots of wrong guesses.<br />
<br />
Or, again, maybe not? I did some conversation coaching this past year, helping folks approach a challenging conversation they wanted to have with someone. When I touched base with these people after they had had the challenging conversation, a pattern emerged. Often, a quick interaction cleared up a huge misperception that had been causing massive strife.<br />
<br />
The holidays seem like a pertinent time to talk about this sort of thing. As we gather with friends, family, and other loved ones we don't see all year, old and new hurts can bubble up. Being together, though, there may also be the opportunity to have that short interaction which could offer new perspective and understanding. Here are some ideas on how to approach it:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><b><u>Start with love.</u></b> If you didn't care at all about the person who upset you, you would probably just end the relationship. Be sure to communicate that care: "I'm bringing this up because I care about you and I value our relationship."</li>
<li><u><b>Describe the issue from your perspective</b></u> without assigning intention to the other person's words or actions: "When you (came to town last month but didn't make time to see me), I felt (hurt). "</li>
<li><b><u>Listen.</u></b> Be ready to hear the other person's perspective and feelings. Be honest with yourself here; if you're not ready to hear it, you may need to wait a bit to have this conversation.</li>
</ol>
<br />
Just talking is by no means a cure-all, and some interactions are going to be longer than others, but if you've been nursing some emotional wounds, this kind of conversation may be the best gift you could give yourself this year. Outside of comedic holiday musicals, life's too short and precious to live with the hurt that comes from misunderstandings that could be cleared up with a quick, straightforward conversation.<br />
<br />
I wish you honest and gentle holidays!<br />
<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-44842161329551578362013-12-17T00:06:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:52:26.265-04:00Basic Listening Skills: Asking Productive Questions<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/colinkinner/2200500024/">Question mark sign</a> by<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/colinkinner/"> Colin Kinner</a>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc license</a></td></tr>
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I once trained an FBI agent to be a crisis hotline volunteer. He had a big heart and he was an excellent listener, but the active listening skill set presented some challenges. He tended to slip into interrogator mode; asking questions was, by far, his favorite active listening tool. It took a lot of practice, but he learned to use questions differently and he quickly became one of our most effective volunteers.<br />
<br />
Depending on how they're used, questions can be your greatest tools or your greatest liabilities when it comes to meeting the goals of active listening. When questions come from a place of genuine curiosity and they are worded as open-ended queries, you demonstrate that you care and the questions may lead to greater clarity and understanding for both of you. There are three bad habits, however, that result in less productive questioning and impede the goals of active listening. When questions are closed or leading and they account for most of your responses, the conversation becomes boxed in by your expectations. To boot, it shifts the pattern of the interaction such that you end up talking way too much and working way too hard. Breaking these three habits will liberate you while also resulting in more productive conversations.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<h3>
Bad Habit #1: Overusing Close-Ended Questions</h3>
<br />
Close-ended questions, those that can be answered with a word or two (most often yes/no), aren't necessarily bad. They result in quick, specific information that could be important ("Are you thinking about suicide?") and can be especially effective when you're seeking clarification ("Am I understanding you correctly?"). Because they're quickly answered, you have less time time to process the answer before the ball is back in your court and the pressure is on for your next response. If you happen to follow up with another close-ended question, and another, and another... you end up micromanaging the interaction and it becomes more of an interrogation than a conversation.<br />
<br />
Conversely, using open-ended questions invites more careful reflection and allows the other person to share what she deems most important.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Bad Habit #2: Asking Leading Questions</h3>
<br />
There are two kinds of leading questions. The first is an overt leading question which clearly implies the "correct" answer ("You're not thinking about anything as stupid as getting back with your ex, are you?!?"). The other kind of leading question (or series of questions) is meant to lead the other person to a conclusion or solution at which you've already arrived ("Is your brother coming home for the holidays? Does he still drive that truck? Do you think he could help you move some of that junk out of your basement so you don't feel so bogged down?")<br />
<br />
You may have noticed that both forms of leading questions are also close-ended, and are therefore subject to all of the limitations mentioned previously. In addition, leading questions send the message that you know what's best and/or you don't care about what the other person has to say as much as you care about conveying your own thoughts on the matter. Either way, it demonstrates judgment rather than understanding and may result in the conversation ending prematurely (not in a good way).<br />
<br />
The "cure" to this habit is, again, to ask open-ended questions and to make sure that your questions come from a place of curiosity. For the latter shift, it's most important to cultivate your active listening mindset - particularly<span style="background-color: white;"> <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-non.html"><span id="goog_1126097692"></span>non-judgment<span id="goog_1126097693"></span></a> and <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-respect.html">respect</a>. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="background-color: white;">Bad Habit #3: Asking Too Many Questions</span></h3>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">You may be surprised how few questions you really need to ask in order to have a successful active listening conversation. A lot of sharing is prompted by simply reflecting <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">feelings</a> and <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills_12.html">content</a>.<span id="goog_1126097663"></span><span id="goog_1126097664"></span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/"></a> When you ask many questions, especially one after another, it can be perceived as interrogating and leaves the other person feeling defensive or flustered. Neither of those feelings leads to more productive sharing and understanding. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">To shift away from asking too many questions, shift towards using the other reflective listening tools. When you do ask a question, give the other person plenty of time to process and respond and then be sure to follow up by reflecting feelings and/or content. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="background-color: white;">Practice Asking Productive Questions</span></h3>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">Your overall game plan for asking more productive questions is as follows: </span><br />
<ol>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Double check that your questions come from care and curiosity, rather than a place of <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-non.html">judgment</a> or a lack of <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-respect.html">respect</a>. </span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Spend more time reflecting <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">feelings</a> a</span>nd<span style="background-color: white;"> <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills_12.html">content</a>.</span> </li>
<li>Practice asking more open-ended questions. </li>
</ol>
Open-ended questions are best practiced by using the "notice, rephrase, and repeat" technique. During the course of your day, notice when you ask a close-ended question and then try asking it again in an open format. For example:<br />
<ul>
<li>"Did you have a good day?"</li>
<li>"No."</li>
<li>(Doh!) "How was your day?"</li>
<li>"Fine." </li>
<li>(Not fair! That was open-ended!)</li>
</ul>
<div>
If at first you don't succeed, continue to rephrase until you get more than one word in response: </div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>"How did you spend your day?"</li>
<li>"What did you do today?"</li>
<li>"What was your day like?"</li>
<li>"What happened today?"</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br />
Happy questioning!</div>
</div>
<br />
<br />
Next in the Active Listening Primer: Prompting Others to Actively Listen<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<h4>
The Active Listening Primer</h4>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/06/an-introduction-to-active-listening.html">Introduction</a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Part 1: The Active Listening Mindset</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-focus.html">Focus</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-respect.html">Respect</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-non.html">Non-Judgment</a></li>
</ul>
Part 2: Basic Active Listening Skills<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">Identifying and Reflecting Feelings</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills_12.html">Reflecting Content</a></li>
<li><span style="color: #cc0000;">Asking Productive Questions </span><span style="color: #cc0000;">(you are here)</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
Bonus: <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2014/01/prompting-others-to-actively-listen.html">Prompting Others to Actively Listen</a><br />
<br />
<h2>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-89221193057517598972013-12-12T00:04:00.002-05:002014-04-03T21:52:38.345-04:00Basic Active Listening Skills: Reflecting Content<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnath/5284838714/">Balls</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnath/with/5284838714/">Johnathan Nightingale</a>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en">cc license</a></td></tr>
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We've all been guilty. You're "listening" to someone talk, but your mind is working on something else entirely. You're planning tonight's dinner, wondering when the library books are due, or even thinking about the next point you want to make in the current conversation. Whatever your mind is doing, it is not actively listening. Staying present and fully attending to what someone is saying can be a real challenge. Putting your mind to the task of reflecting feelings and content keeps you engaged. <br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
I like to break down reflecting content into three useful techniques: Paraphrasing, Clarifying (paraphrasing with a question), and Reframing (paraphrasing with a twist).<br />
<br />
<h3>
Paraphrasing: Why and How?</h3>
<br />
Paraphrasing is simply stating what you hear in a succinct response. Perhaps I shouldn't use the world 'simply' there. It takes a good deal of attention and quick processing to paraphrase effectively. When it's done well, paraphrasing, 1) demonstrates understanding, 2) helps to verify that your understanding is accurate, and 3) offers clarity and deeper understanding to the person you're reflecting.<br />
<br />
To paraphrase, listen closely and then sum up what you're hearing in one concise sentence. After sharing the paraphrased statement, pause and allow the other person either to respond or to continue talking.<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Here's an example:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"...But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round - apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if any thing belonging to it can be apart from that - as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it <i>has</i> done me good, and <i>will </i> do me good; and I say, God bless it!" </blockquote>
Paraphrasing: <i><b>"You believe the value of Christmas comes from the way it brings people together in the spirit of generosity." </b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<br />
<h3>
Clarifying: Why and How? </h3>
<br />
Clarifying is similar to paraphrasing, but instead of just restating what is heard, you explicitly ask whether you are understanding correctly. Clarifying, like paraphrasing, facilitates deeper understanding, but puts emphasis on demonstrating your desire to understand. It's a good tool to use when you're dealing with complicated subject matter or anytime you're a bit overwhelmed with information.<br />
<br />
Clarifying is accomplished by first giving a cue that you want to make sure you're on the same page and then paraphrasing. Your 'cue' may go something like this:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Let me see if I understand you...</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">I'm not sure I'm with you...</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white;">Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm hearing that...</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
After paraphrasing, you can either ask for verification (e.g., "Is that correct?") or just pause and allow the other person to absorb what you've said and respond. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">Here's an example of clarifying: </span></div>
<div>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"You fear the world too much... All your other hopes have merged into the hope of being beyond the chance of its sordid reproach. I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one by one, until the master-passion, Gain, engrosses you. Have I not?"</blockquote>
<br />
Clarifying: <i><b>"Let me make sure I'm with you. You believe my desire for money, which is the only thing I care about, comes from fearing what the world would do to me if I didn't have enough money?"</b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<h3>
Reframing: Why and How? </h3>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I think of reframing as paraphrasing what is said between the lines, and, after reflecting feelings, it's my favorite active listening tool. Reframing helps you direct the conversation towards feelings, behaviors, or values that may not otherwise be addressed. It can also help you redirect a conversation that is heading down a path you are not willing to follow. While nudging the conversation, reframing continues to demonstrate your understanding and your commitment to taking the conversation deeper. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Reframing involves acknowledging not only the content of what someone has said, but also the values, behaviors, or feelings represented by what was said. <span style="background-color: white;"> Here are a two examples: </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white;">"...Merry Christmas! Out upon merry Chrsitmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you? If I could work my will...every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!"</span></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">Reframing: <i><b>"You value working and being fiscally responsible, so the wasted time and money offends you."</b></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white;">"At this time of the rolling year...I suffer most. Why did I walk through crowds of fellow-beings with my eyes turned down, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode! Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted <i>me</i>!"</span></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">Reframing: <i><b>"You feel regretful about the lack of concern you showed towards others."</b></i></span></div>
<br />
As with paraphrasing and clarifying, you should pause after making a reframing statement, allowing the other person to process, respond, or continue sharing.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Practice Reflecting Content</h3>
<br />
I had a lot of fun finding the examples I used here to demonstrate paraphrasing, clarifying, and reframing. I also found it to be great practice for these skills! Here's my suggestion for practicing reflecting content:<br />
<br />
Find your own dialogue-rich source. Books and TV both work. So does eavesdropping in a coffee shop. :) Write down 3-5 different paragraphs to which you could potentially respond. For each of the paragraphs, write down how you could reflect the content in three different ways: Paraphrase, clarify, and reframe. When you're done, go back through your responses and note which technique would have been the most appropriate in each case.<br />
<br />
Feeling good about your content reflecting skills? Awesome! Take 'em live, and notice how they affect your ability to attend during a conversation and the resulting quality of your interactions.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
*********************************************************************************</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
NOTE! All of the quotes used for examples are from <a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/46/46-h/46-h.htm">Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol</a> (seasonal, no?). </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
*********************************************************************************</div>
<br />
Next in the Active Listening Primer: <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-listening-skills-asking.html">Asking Productive Questions</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<h4>
The Active Listening Primer</h4>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/06/an-introduction-to-active-listening.html">Introduction</a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Part 1: The Active Listening Mindset</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-focus.html">Focus</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-respect.html">Respect</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-non.html">Non-Judgment</a></li>
</ul>
Part 2: Basic Active Listening Skills<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">Identifying and Reflecting Feelings</a></li>
<li><span style="color: #cc0000;">Reflecting Content </span><span style="color: #cc0000;">(you are here)</span></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-listening-skills-asking.html">Asking Productive Questions</a></li>
</ul>
<div>
Bonus: <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2014/01/prompting-others-to-actively-listen.html">Prompting Others to Actively Listen</a><br />
<br />
<h2>
<i>Like what you're reading? Sign up for my Good In, Good Out E-Newsletter: A steady diet of good stuff to fuel your soul, mind, and body! </i></h2>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-43645948057991849252013-12-02T22:23:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:52:56.196-04:00Basic Active Listening Skills: Identifying and Reflecting Feelings<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/katharina_90/5964420828/">Untitled</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/katharina_90/">KaMa Photography</a>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en">cc license</a></td></tr>
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Here's something I've been saying a lot lately:<br />
<br />
"Jason, burp cloth!"<br />
<br />
Those silly things constantly fall off my shoulder, unnoticed, so that I rarely have one handy at that moment I desperately need it. Although my words don't change, Jason can easily determine the extent of the mess and urgency from the sound of my voice.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
When we speak, the words we choose make up just one part of what we're communicating. Non-verbal cues (e.g., tone of voice, facial expression, and body posture) make up the rest of the message. It's often within the non-verbal communicating that we find clues to the way a person is feeling. When we're able to identify and reflect those feelings, we demonstrate what we understand and facilitate communication on a deeper (and more productive!) level.<br />
<br />
<h2>
Why Identify and Reflect Feelings? </h2>
<br />
I once interviewed a crisis hotline volunteer candidate who had a strong foreign accent. I asked him if he had any concerns about being able to communicate, but he responded that he wasn't concerned because when one heart talks to another, accents don't get in the way. He was so right. When you focus on identifying and communicating about feelings, it creates a heart-to-heart connection that opens the conversation to deeper sharing. This, of course, helps us meet the active listening goal of understanding. Reflecting non-judgmentally then allows us to demonstrate that understanding.<br />
<br />
Reflecting feelings is especially useful in conversations where emotions are elevated. In these cases, emotional content must be voiced and acknowledged before the conversation can move forward to a more calm and practical place. Let's say your friend is telling you about her annual work review, which didn't go as well as she had hoped. Your typical response may be to reassure her that she's incredible and has nothing to worry about, but you've decided to try out a different approach. As you listen and reflect her feeling upset and disappointed, she is able to discharge those emotions and the venting may help to uncover more feelings. Perhaps she also feels angry and resentful about some of the feedback she received. Since you didn't brush off her feelings and move quickly to reassure her that everything is going to be okay, her energy will shift from convincing you how upsetting this is and she may be able to clarify that she's feeling fearful that she may be fired, or worse, that she's been working in the wrong field for too long. The simple act of identifying and reflecting feelings, in this case, leads to deeper understanding, vented feelings, and more clarity around the issue at hand. Powerful stuff!<br />
<br />
<h2>
How to Identify and Reflect Feelings?</h2>
<br />
Feelings are not always revealed by what is said, but by how it is said. To identify feelings, pay attention to what is being said as well as the non-verbals that go along with it:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Tone of voice</li>
<li>Volume and speed of speaking</li>
<li>Facial expressions and eye contact</li>
<li>Body posture and movement</li>
</ul>
<div>
Once you've identified the feelings behind what someone has said, the next step is to reflect those feelings to communicate what you understand. Use a statment using the word 'feeling' and name the feeling you've identified. Here are some examples: </div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>It sounds like you're feeling...</li>
<li>I hear you're feeling...</li>
<li>It seems you may be feeling...</li>
<li>Perhaps you're feeling...</li>
<li>So you're feeling...</li>
</ul>
<div>
After you've reflected a feeling, pause so that the person you're talking with has a moment to process what you've observed. She may want to affirm, clarify, or correct what you've said. She may need some time to let your statement sink in or she may just continue talking, encouraged by your attention. </div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h2>
Practice Identifying and Reflecting Feelings</h2>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If you are someone who likes to dive right in to new experiences, by all means, simply begin identifying and reflecting the feelings of those you talk to in every day life. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For those who prefer to ease into new skills, take a couple of days to just notice the feelings behind what you're hearing in every day life. Once you've tuned into feelings, start reflecting them a few times a day. Try different people and different contexts (e.g., work and home). Start with what feels safe; it may be easier to try this out with a stranger rather than someone with whom you already have a set conversational pattern. I'm especially fond of chatting with cashiers. :) As you use more reflective listening skills, notice how it affects the conversations you're having. </div>
<br />
<br />
Next in the Active Listening Primer: <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills_12.html">Reflecting Content </a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<h4>
The Active Listening Primer</h4>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/06/an-introduction-to-active-listening.html">Introduction</a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Part 1: The Active Listening Mindset</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-focus.html">Focus</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-respect.html">Respect</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-non.html">Non-Judgment</a></li>
</ul>
Part 2: Basic Active Listening Skills<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #cc0000;">Identifying and Reflecting Feelings</span> <span style="color: #cc0000;">(you are here)</span></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills_12.html">Reflecting Content</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-listening-skills-asking.html">Asking Productive Questions</a></li>
</ul>
<div>
Bonus: <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2014/01/prompting-others-to-actively-listen.html">Prompting Others to Actively Listen</a><br />
<br />
<h2>
<i>Like what you're reading? Sign up for my Good In, Good Out E-Newsletter: A steady diet of good stuff to fuel your soul, mind, and body! </i></h2>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02061946096273927530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7157936322125421946.post-11834578395841529592013-11-13T21:40:00.000-05:002014-04-03T21:53:04.524-04:00The Active Listening Mindset: Non-Judgment<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
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Okay! Ready to be non-judgmental? This should be easy. Simply forget all of your current beliefs and opinions and then erase the words "good" and "bad" from your vocabulary. All set!<br />
<br />
Seriously, though, judging gets a bad reputation in the active listening world, when our ability to make judgments is often important. In my previous life of preparing volunteers for the crisis hotline, I often reminded them that my goal was not to create "Stepford volunteers" or complete blank slates devoid of personality. Those human elements are essential to connecting. Also, being able to judge, or perceive, how one path forward may be more beneficial than another in an active listening conversation is an important skill to cultivate.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
However, it is still important to have a non-judgmental mindset in the context of active listening. Specifically, it is important to remove or mitigate the kind of judgments that get in the way of our primary goal: making the other person feel heard and understood.<br />
<br />
<h2>
Why Non-Judgment?</h2>
<br />
What happens when you feel judged? Imagine you've been invited to tell the story of your life to a large group of students or peers. As you speak from the front of a large room, you notice the expressions in your audience change from neutral to skeptical. You continue to talk, trying to get your message across, but the negative feedback continues and you begin to get some head shakes and eye rolls, to boot. How do you feel? What is your heart rate like? How do you find yourself reacting? Do you become defensive, pushing your point even harder? Do you become flustered, forgetting your speech and fumbling your words? Or do you just shut down, cutting your talk short?<br />
<br />
Active listening is a cooperative activity. In order for you to have something to listen to, the other person needs to be talking. Furthermore, if our goal is to truly understand someone, we need him to be open and honest with his sharing. When someone feels judged, he is less likely to speak openly and honestly and more likely to, simply, stop talking. Being non-judgmental is essential to maintaining an environment conducive to active listening.<br />
<br />
The other problem with judgment is that it keeps us firmly in our own perspective. Our judgments come from our own values, beliefs, and experiences, which may be very different from our conversation partner. Being judgmental indicates that we are not, at that moment, successfully seeing and understanding the world from another's perspective.<br />
<br />
<h2>
How to be Non-Judgmental</h2>
<br />
I've found that attempts to be non-judgmental sometimes translate to disengagement and an attitude of, "Whatever. It's your life, not mine." Certainly, it can be easier to disengage rather than to put aside our own perspective for a time. You may have guessed, though, that disengagement doesn't work for active listening, mostly because it feels like judgment and rejection and has the same impact. So, how can you be non-judgmental and remain engaged without denying your personality and values?<br />
<br />
Instead of judging, our job in active listening is to notice. Active listening is objective, rather than subjective, and active listening tools are all geared towards acknowledging, verifying, and exploring what is said (rather than giving subjective evaluation). Non-judgment is similar to showing <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-respect.html">respect</a> in that it is best accomplished by shifting from the role of an evaluator to a scientist or student role. As you sharpen your skills of observation, focus on noticing, and nurture your natural curiosity, you will replace the inclination to judge.<br />
<br />
<h2>
Practicing Non-Judgment.</h2>
<br />
The first steps towards practicing non-judgment are, 1) noticing when judgment happens and then, 2) shifting from judgment to observation and curiosity. To practice this shift, try watching a show with lots of dialogue or eavesdrop on a conversation in a coffee shop. Notice and jot down the judgmental statements you hear or anything that implies judgment. Once you have five or more statements to work with, try rewriting them from a place of observation and/or curiosity. For example, "That's a terrible idea..." (judgment) becomes, "You have a plan of action..." (observation) and/or, "Tell me more about how that will work..." (curiosity).<br />
<br />
The advanced version of this exercise is to notice and shift your own language. When I focus on this language shift, myself, I'm always amazed at how much it opens a conversation as well as my own state of mind. See how it works for you!<br />
<br />
<br />
Next in the Active Listening Primer: Identifying and Reflecting Feelings<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<h4>
The Active Listening Primer</h4>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/06/an-introduction-to-active-listening.html">Introduction</a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Part 1: The Active Listening Mindset</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-focus.html">Focus</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/08/the-active-listening-mindset-respect.html">Respect<span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span></a></li>
<li><span style="color: #cc0000;">Non-Judgment (you are here)</span></li>
</ul>
Part 2: Basic Active Listening Skills<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills.html">Identifying and Reflecting Feelings</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-active-listening-skills_12.html">Reflecting Content</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2013/12/basic-listening-skills-asking.html">Asking Productive Questions</a></li>
</ul>
<div>
Bonus: <a href="http://www.honestandgentle.com/2014/01/prompting-others-to-actively-listen.html">Prompting Others to Actively Listen</a><br />
<br />
<h2>
<i>Like what you're reading? Sign up for my Good In, Good Out E-Newsletter: A steady diet of good stuff to fuel your soul, mind, and body! </i></h2>
<div>
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