The Active Listening Mindset: Respect

365.229 by Dyanna Hyde, cc license

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!

When I searched on Flickr for an image to go with this post, I was struck by the top three search results. The first photo was a wall ironically graffitied with the words, “young people have no respect for authority.” The second was a public mural with the words, “diversity and respect in our community.” The third was an illustrated quote from Baltasar Gracian’s Criticon: “Respect yourself if you would have others respect you.” I thought these well represent the wide range of ideas we can have in mind when we think about the term, respect: tolerance, love, obedience, self-worth, and acceptance, to name a few.  Clearly, our definitions of respect can vary greatly, so let’s begin by clarifying what we mean by “respect.”

Missed Opportunities in Active Listening

Almost by Lauri Rantala, cc license

Last weekend, Jason and I held our first ever yard sale. What an interesting experience! There was one interaction I found to be particularly instructive for me on the importance of active listening in everyday life. I thought I'd take this week to share that, before getting back to the primer.

I wasn't expecting just how good it would feel to pass on an item to someone who was excited to give it a new home. One such item was my first sewing machine, which my mom got for me when I went off to college. We (the machine and I) had more than ten good years together, but a month before I got married, the machine jammed while I was hemming a dress and I couldn't get it to work. I had a list of wedding projects that needed immediate attention, so I decided to buy a new machine rather than taking the time to fix the jammed machine. It was moved to the basement where it sat, unused and mostly forgotten, for four years.

The Active Listening Mindset: Focus

a vivid beauty.... by Vinoth Chandar, cc license

I used to tell my crisis hotline trainees that active listening begins before you pick up the phone. Meaning that in order to do active listening well, it’s important to approach it with the right mindset. Profound conversations occur when you are able to fully attend, respect autonomy, and leave judgment out of it. My original intent had been to cover these three areas in one primer post, but it soon became clear that each deserved its own space. Working towards the right mindset for active listening takes just as much work (perhaps more) as acquiring the other listening skills. We begin with focus.  

An Introduction to the Active Listening Primer

351/365 Books are like mirrors by Iryna Yeroshko, cc license

Over the past few months, I've been doing some "conversation coaching," helping folks work through and prepare for a challenging conversation they're facing. I find myself coming back again and again to some basic active listening skills that go a long way to promote more direct, honest, and still compassionate communication. In my humble opinion, our world would be greatly improved if active listening was routinely taught, modeled, and practiced in our schools, places of work, and homes. Unfortunately, that is not always the case and so it can be useful to be introduced to (or be reminded of) alternative methods of communication. Hence, I thought it might be fun and useful to put forth my own primer on active listening skills.

It Takes a Community: Inspiration from Promise Coaches

Last fall I was recruited to be a trainer for The Mentoring Partnership of Southwestern PA (TMP), an organization that "maximizes the opportunity for mentoring to transform the lives of young people so they may reach their full potential." TMP does this by helping other organizations develop mentoring programs and then offering ongoing support, e.g. by training mentors (that's where I get to come in!). One of the programs I've been supporting is the Promise Coaches Campaign, which "aims to create a college going culture in the City of Pittsburgh by empowering adults to help youth earn a high school diploma and succeed in college and careers.

A Safe Port in the Storm of Life

Lightning @ Fay Lake PSJ by GunnerVV, cc license

Can I just reiterate how wonderful it feels to be writing again (especially in lieu of battling nausea all day)?!?!

Often when I share, here, my struggles with anger, strong emotions, and intense reactions, I'm met with some disbelief from friends and family. They have a hard time reconciling the "good Mary" they typically see with the other sides of my personality that make me who I am.

Reboot (and Happy News to Share)

I need to fix daddy's photos by Irargerich, cc license

Well, hello there. It's been a while.

My unexpected leave of absence has been due to something pretty wonderful, actually. I'm pregnant and looking forward to welcoming our new family member in October.

The first trimester was pretty rough. When I was pregnant with Cadence, I experienced the dreaded morning sickness - or more accurately morning, noon, and night sickness - along with general fatigue. Through that period, I was able to function well at work and then just crash the minute I got home. This time around, the symptoms were either worse, or the different circumstances of taking care of a toddler all day made them seem worse. Either way, February through April is a bit of a blur and I am just now finding the time and energy to think and to write a bit.