Reboot (and Happy News to Share)

I need to fix daddy's photos by Irargerich, cc license

Well, hello there. It's been a while.

My unexpected leave of absence has been due to something pretty wonderful, actually. I'm pregnant and looking forward to welcoming our new family member in October.

The first trimester was pretty rough. When I was pregnant with Cadence, I experienced the dreaded morning sickness - or more accurately morning, noon, and night sickness - along with general fatigue. Through that period, I was able to function well at work and then just crash the minute I got home. This time around, the symptoms were either worse, or the different circumstances of taking care of a toddler all day made them seem worse. Either way, February through April is a bit of a blur and I am just now finding the time and energy to think and to write a bit.

The timing is good. I'm in need of some serious time to sit with the changes my body and brain are experiencing and process them. Similar to my last pregnancy, the nausea and fatigues are now making way for some intense emotions and mood swings. Previously, I dubbed this my "pregnancy rage." It felt like madness. I was able to recognize that my emotional reactions to events were not to scale, so I coped by waiting until they subsided before addressing any issues. However, they did not subside, rather fermenting as I ruminated until I exploded in an unhealthy outburst.

I had hoped that this particular pregnancy symptom was more due to the stress and tension I was experiencing at work (when the board voted to dissolve the organization) . Alas, I believe I must now accept that this is just me. The rage has already been bubbling up, and over, on a couple of occasions.

I've been contemplating how to handle things differently this time so that I'm better able to keep my cool - especially in my role as mom to toddler.  I'm curious how much of my emotional reactions can be attributed to stress and depletion and what is "purely" hormonal. I'm grateful that I have gone through this once and can avoid repeating some the same mistakes. For example, I know that I need to talk issues out, sooner than later, even when I know I'm not my best, rational self. And I should let others drive whenever possible because pregnancy road rage is especially ugly.

And I need to redouble efforts at self care, ask for help, and laugh at myself more because, really, this is madness.

I'll be writing again. Very soon. Promise.

Detach from the Outcome for Peaceful Conversations (and Game Nights)

Killer Queen by aussiegall, cc license

Several months ago, early on in the life of this blog and immediately following a game night with friends, Jason asked if I was going to blog about how honest and gentle I am during board games. He was being sarcastic. At the time, I had no intention of sharing with you the beast I sometimes become when playing games. It's not pretty. And it's embarrassing. I mean, in what world does it make sense to feel so intensely angry at someone for simply thwarting my next brilliant move? In the heat of the moment, I've been known to swear and to tell people that I don't like them. Sure, it's usually under a shroud of playfulness, but the kicker is that deep down I wasn't enjoying myself. Deep down, I felt stressed because I was attached to winning and they way I was going to do it, when I had relatively little actual control over that outcome.

Are You a Receiver or a Broadcaster?

Cell Phone Tower by danielfoster437, cc license

I read an interesting article last week about happiness versus meaningfulness. At one point, it described the dichotomization of people being Givers (who seek meaningfulness in life) and Takers (who seek happiness). It's unrelated, but this got my wheels turning about the roles we typically take on during challenging conversations. In recent conversations I've noted how I switch between struggling to be understood and struggling to understand. Further, I've found that I tend to default to, and feel more comfortable, when I'm in the role of understanding the other person. It's an interesting dichotomy, and for the purpose of this post I'll call the types Receivers and Broadcasters. This comes only from my own casual observations and experiences, but this is how I would characterize those two types.

The "Reset" Button for Challenging Conversations

Go ahead. Push it. by flattop341, cc license

"...isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" - L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

We just put away the last of our Christmas decorations and swept up the last of the pine needles left by our dear tree. As much as I love the glow and warmth they bring to our home during the holidays, I've come to appreciate even more the space and openness they leave when put away. Our house immediately looks less cluttered and it feels like each room gets a bit of a reset as items are returned, or not returned, to their pre-holiday places. It has me thinking about "resets" in general.

Who doesn't love a fresh start? A clean slate? A chance to begin again? Realizing that it's possible to start again and being able to push that reset button is a powerful tool.

When You Feel So Mad That You Wanna Roar...

mister rogers display - pittsburgh by HeyRocker, cc license

...take a deep breath and count to four. So says Daniel Tiger. I've been watching a lot of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, the new show on PBS from the Fred Rogers Company. It's safe to say that my munchkin is hooked - and the same may be said of me. Sure, I'll sometimes use the 20 minutes she's glued to the couch to get something done, but more often I end up watching with her.

I think what I love most is the way grown-ups are involved and portrayed. In some ways, it can be seen as a show about parenting. I can't tell you how many tools I've added to my parenting tool belt since the show first aired in September. However, what makes it especially compelling for me is that the adults on the show aren't perfect robots who exist for the sake of an episode plot. They have hobbies and interests, different personalities, and they display a range of emotions - from joy and playfulness to anger and frustration.

What a Year for a New Year

Awaiting Sunrise by MikeBehnken, cc license

I've found myself doing a lot of processing over the past few weeks. At the end of the year I like to take stock of where I've been and then look forward to where I'd like to go. This year, as I think back and look ahead I feel like I'm drowning in questions.

How do I live alongside suffering?

I'm Dreaming of an Honest and Gentle Christmas

2008.12.09 - Three Candles by a.drian, cc license

I've been under the weather for the past couple of weeks and I'm finally coming out of my congested haze. This is pretty atypical for me. I don't get sick very often and when I do, I'm usually back to normal in a couple of days. It's as if, after finishing all of the work for my Master's (woo-hoo!), my body had had enough and insisted I lie low. And, after all, it's the holiday season and the end of the year: A time for laying low, taking it easy, and reflecting - right?

Yeah, not so much for me, either.