Giving Thanks & Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

Thanksgiving is upon us! I love this holiday: the food, the parade, the relaxation, the food...oh, the food...

But as any holiday that involves getting together with extended family or other people you don't see regularly, Thanksgiving has it's challenges. Communication is difficult enough with the people we see everyday, but add even a thin layer of unfamiliarity, or the kind of stress associated with producing a small feast, and the possibility of unintended slights, misunderstandings, and general weirdness increases exponentially. We simply lack the ability to get into another person's head to the extent that we can say for certain what the intent was behind another's words or actions.

Making Self-Care Happen

Two weeks ago, Jason traveled for work, leaving me with both girls for more than 24-hours for the first time since Laurel's birth. My mom came up from Virginia to help out, and Jason was away for only two and a half days, but I feel like I'm just now recovering. Laurel is going through a phase where she wants to be held, specifically by me, pretty much 24-7. It makes it hard for Cadence, who would also like a good bit of attention and who continues to try new and interesting ways to have those needs met. I'm definitely feeling the mommy-drain.

Maintain Emotional Boundaries with this Gift

This, right here, is my 50th Honest and Gentle post. I'm feeling pretty excited about that. :) To celebrate, I'd like to offer you a gift, a small token of my appreciation for the time that you take to read these posts; something that I feel is particularly useful for folks who care about feelings and empathy (folks like you!). Here's the back story:

A few years ago, I developed a workshop for an organization who's employees were experiencing low morale. Their jobs involved supporting others through difficult times in life and, to put it mildly, it was emotionally draining. They were sometimes treated disrespectfully by the people they were serving. They were told how useless they were, when many of them felt this work was their calling. Even when they weren't taking on direct criticism, they felt bogged down by the emotional struggles of the folks they were serving and they were frustrated by the limitations of what they could do to help.

Cry It Out

I learned a lot about coping with emotional stress during my last pregnancy. I can't say that it was the most stressful period of life I had experienced, but it was up there with the rest of them. And it was certainly the most stressful period when I also had to mother a toddler. I think I was more concerned, during this period than in the past, with working on coping so that I could remain present and protect my sweet daughter from my inner crazies. In any case, I often found myself working through all of my coping tools and eagerly seeking the counsel of anyone who would add to my tool box.

Get Gentle by Taking a New Perspective

Empire State Pigeon by ZeroOne, cc license

Exactly ten years ago I was preparing for my very first shift on the Contact Pittsburgh crisis and suicide hotline. Those first few shifts were frightening, thrilling, frustrating, rewarding, and many other roller coaster rides of emotion. As I relaxed into my empathy and listening skills over that first year, those weekly four-hour sessions became a sacred space for me. On the one hand it was challenging and heartbreaking work. However, putting myself in the shoes of the callers also gave me a break from my own shoes. It was utterly refreshing to take a break from all of my stuff and just hold someone else’s worldview and emotions for a while. I was hooked on empathy.

Self-Care 101

Relaxing in the Tobago Cays by Jason Pratt, cc license

The past couple of weeks I’ve been shining a spotlight on my least-gentle moments. It’s been rather instructive. I’ve been reminded of how powerful it can be to just bring awareness to that thing you want to change. Noticing, but not evaluating, those ugly moments has given me some great insights. I’m transitioning from, “Argh! There has to be a better way!” to, “Ahh, there’s the better way.” 

Practicing Presence

Danielle & Lilliyan by Robert Whitehead, cc license

For a long time I’ve been near the end of my master’s degree with only my thesis and a few other odds and ends to complete. This Summer, after working through some emotional hurdles and pathological procrastination, I finally carved out the time to work on my proposal and committed it to my calendar. However, I can’t tell you how many of those work blocks were hijacked by planning meals for the week, cleaning out my e-mail inbox, and other distractions. I had such a hard time switching gears from my mom/housekeeping role to sitting at a computer for an extended period of time, let alone thinking and writing academically. Two things eventually helped me nurture the focus I needed to write my proposal. I fully committed to the work time, staying at my desk even when I was completely unproductive, and I created rituals to signal to it was time to focus. My focus routine consisted of brewing a cup of tea, playing ambient music, and then flowing through a few yoga positions before sitting down to work. After some persistence and practice, I was able to be much more productive during my work sessions.

Be Gentle on the Path of Change

Forest Dream! by VinothChandar, cc license

Part of the fun of this blogging endeavor is that my husband now loves pointing out instances when I'm not honest and/or gentle. He finds many opportunities to help me in this way, including yesterday when we were out having lunch. Our family is currently on vacation near Burlington, VT, which is the site of Ben and Jerry's flagship store. Getting ice cream at this location was on my "must do" list for the trip, so we purposefully saved room for ice cream afer lunch. When our waiter came over to ask if we would like to see the dessert menu, I replied reflexively, without thinking, "No, we need to get the baby back for her nap." As he went to get our check, my husband gave me a look. "I know, I just totally lied." 

Free Yourself with Values-Focused Reframing

Transparent by Patty Maher, cc license 

Themes of honesty and dishonesty have been on my mind a lot over the past few years. I have spent a lot of time feeling angry about people who were not honest with me and people who asked/required me to be dishonest. I have spent way too much mental energy ruminating on things I should have done or said - way too much energy composing self-righteous speeches and retorts, well after the fact. I avoided, I withdrew, and I felt miserable. I tried to ignore the feelings and when that didn’t work I tried to interrupt my ruminating and practice gratitude instead. While that was a wonderful reminder of all the good things in my life, I still felt angry and the ruminating occurred just as often. I was sick of feeling this way and, one evening in the past year while preparing for an active listening training, I had a bit of a revelation: It was time to reframe.

Avoid Throwing Poop: Talk About Feelings

Photo by Amy McTigue, as per cc license

The ability to identify and reflect others’ feelings is the foundation of empathy and active listening. It helps you take interactions beyond the level of bare facts, allowing for deeper understanding and more profound growth. It is the most effective way to develop rapport and demonstrate understanding. So, it is only fitting to begin this blogging adventure with a discussion around feelings. Whose feelings? Our own feelings. In order to walk in someone else’s shoes, I need to be able to put aside the pair I’m currently wearing. In order to recognize others’ feelings, I need to be able to identify my own.