Birthday Reflection: It's time to shed "I Can't"

I turned 35 a couple of weeks ago. Gulp. It kind of feels like a big deal. Not 30 or 40 big, but still a milestone. I can remember when my mom turned 35, and that seems significant. On my birthday, I felt like I had aged. Sure, the tiredness was more likely due to the fact that we have an infant in the house or that we were all recovering from the virus from hell (and subsequently nursing the visiting company we passed it on to, sigh.), but still. I did not feel like partying.

And that works for me. Birthdays are more a time of reflection; a time when I can take stock of where I've come from, where I'm going, and - most importantly - what I've outgrown. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn (and I'm still working on it!) but I'm appreciating, more and more, the importance of letting go of those things that bog me down and keep me from growing.

Saved by the Poop

The other day I was talking to my mom on the phone and our conversation became heated. We were arguing over the message of a particular news story and, suffice to say, we had two completely different perspectives. It may be helpful to explain that, while my mom and I have a LOT in common, political views are not one of the commonalities.

I was becoming so frustrated that I was close to saying something that would just be hurtful or to hanging up the phone. Exactly one moment before it came to that, Laurel had a big, loud poop. I was sure that it was a blow-out, and I was saved!

Sometimes You Have to Ask for What You Need

365.177 by Dyanna Hyde, cc license

My last five posts have been dedicated to finding ways to remain gentle in stressful circumstances. I've been in crunch mode, working on my thesis, and the stress has definitely gotten to me. It has been incredibly helpful having this space to reflect on the importance of self-care and to remind myself of the practices that will strengthen my ability to remain gentle. However, I have also come to the realization that there are going to be those times when I just can't do it without the help of those around me. And, until all of my loved ones are able to perfect their mind reading skills, I have to ask for what I need. And then, of course, in order to ask for what I need, I need to know what that is.

Self-Care 101

Relaxing in the Tobago Cays by Jason Pratt, cc license

The past couple of weeks I’ve been shining a spotlight on my least-gentle moments. It’s been rather instructive. I’ve been reminded of how powerful it can be to just bring awareness to that thing you want to change. Noticing, but not evaluating, those ugly moments has given me some great insights. I’m transitioning from, “Argh! There has to be a better way!” to, “Ahh, there’s the better way.” 

You Won't Like Me When I'm Angry

The Incredible Sarihulk by Eneas, cc license

Lately, I’ve struggled with being gentle. There have been several instances in the past few weeks where I just lost it. My feelings of frustration and anger bubbled over and I lashed out at the nearest bystander. I really hate when that happens. I feel like the Hulk, as if this ugly alter ego has taken over my body and I can’t get back control. Worse than feeling out of control, I hate the hurt I cause.

Where Do You Keep Your Self-Worth?

my final belly ache by child is a rebel, cc license

The other night a friend was asking me about my thesis (the first draft did make it in on time) and how I was holding up to the criticism inherent in that process (my draft was promptly returned covered in red ink). I responded that I thought I was dealing quite well. I know that my advisor wants me to do well, so her red ink and comments were there to push and guide me. It certainly represented much more work in the weeks ahead, but it did not represent a personal attack on my ability to write or think. This reflection gave me pause; I have not always reacted this way. In the not so distant past, some red ink would have prompted an angry defensive response or complete detachment and significant time in the fetal position.

Free Yourself with Values-Focused Reframing

Transparent by Patty Maher, cc license 

Themes of honesty and dishonesty have been on my mind a lot over the past few years. I have spent a lot of time feeling angry about people who were not honest with me and people who asked/required me to be dishonest. I have spent way too much mental energy ruminating on things I should have done or said - way too much energy composing self-righteous speeches and retorts, well after the fact. I avoided, I withdrew, and I felt miserable. I tried to ignore the feelings and when that didn’t work I tried to interrupt my ruminating and practice gratitude instead. While that was a wonderful reminder of all the good things in my life, I still felt angry and the ruminating occurred just as often. I was sick of feeling this way and, one evening in the past year while preparing for an active listening training, I had a bit of a revelation: It was time to reframe.

Avoid Throwing Poop: Talk About Feelings

Photo by Amy McTigue, as per cc license

The ability to identify and reflect others’ feelings is the foundation of empathy and active listening. It helps you take interactions beyond the level of bare facts, allowing for deeper understanding and more profound growth. It is the most effective way to develop rapport and demonstrate understanding. So, it is only fitting to begin this blogging adventure with a discussion around feelings. Whose feelings? Our own feelings. In order to walk in someone else’s shoes, I need to be able to put aside the pair I’m currently wearing. In order to recognize others’ feelings, I need to be able to identify my own.